


An Eye for an Eye, A Heart for a Heart

by DarklingAndy



Category: Death Note
Genre: M/M, Romance, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-24
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2017-11-19 09:33:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/571815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarklingAndy/pseuds/DarklingAndy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryuuzaki called Raito "friend". Did he want something more? They both wish it could have been the start of a beautiful relationship, but there are complications.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Ryuuzaki feels

Amane Misa’s girly voice always grated on L’s ears – especially when she was using it to childishly insist upon her loyalty to her true love – even when L was utilizing these feelings to help with the case. Her excessive feelings for Yagami Raito annoyed him. He allowed no one to know this; in fact, he even encouraged these feelings and praised her loyalty, keeping his face blank and his hands in his pockets the whole time.

“…and her love for Raito-kun is the greatest in the world,” he was reciting at her after she pledged herself to help capture Kira for Raito.

She was watching him with her eyes wide, her tiny mouth open in astonishment. “…R…Ryuuzaki-san...” she gasped. She clasped her hands together like a child. “M…Misa may have thought wrongly of you until now… calling you a pervert… you understand me perfectly.”

Raito was standing still between them, looking incredulous.

“Yes, Misa-san, you are indeed an excellent woman worthy of Raito-kun.” L’s voice disguised the bitter irony he felt as he glanced at Misa.

Misa threw her hands up in the air ecstatically. “Thank you, Ryuuzaki.” She pranced toward him and bent to peck him on the cheek; her lips were warm, soft, and slightly sticky. L was startled. He found it repulsive, and disgust coiled in his belly, but before he could draw back she had bounded away again, pigtails bobbing, and wrapped herself firmly around Raito’s arm.

“What if I fell in love with you?” he said to her, hoping she would take it as a subtle warning to never touch him again. He turned and looked at her, wiping the stickiness off his cheek with one hand. He wished that Raito would also pull away from her touch instead of standing there staring at him.

“Um… that would be...” Misa was speaking again. “Let’s just say that we’re friends. How about it?” Her expression was too eager, too open. L turned away, not wanting to look at it. She was too easily manipulated.

“Yes,” he said, but he wasn’t really interested at all in his relationship with Misa. He was more interested in a certain young genius with hair and eyes the color of caramel. “My number of friends has increased again,” he said, looking at the ceiling. Raito was silent. What was he thinking?

L suddenly found his hand seized as he was pulled into a circle.

“Yes, Raito’s friends are my friends. Let’s all get together,” Misa was crowing happily as she swung them around. L’s other hand reached out, instinctively it seemed, seeking Raito’s in the chaos. Raito’s fingers were cool and smooth as they slipped into L’s palm so they wouldn’t fall over; L gripped them tightly. He could feel Raito’s eyes on him, and it felt a little weird. After a moment, Misa let go and they immediately separated – as much as they could with the chain connecting them.

“…and Misa will never betray her friends. Just leave it up to me. With our powers combined, the three of us are going to arrest Kira!” Misa continued to celebrate.

Perfect. That was exactly was he needed Misa to say. “Um, about that…” L couldn’t keep the tiniest grin from quirking up the corners of his mouth as he prepared to use Misa to reel Raito in. “It appears that Yagami-kun is going to take a different approach from me and go with his father in this investigation, so it would just be you and me, Misa-san…” L kept his face carefully empty as he said it, trying to look innocent.

Misa’s enthusiasm fizzled at once. “Huh, what’s that…”

L could see from the expression on Raito’s face that he was figuring it out; one of the things L secretly loved about Raito was the way he could look into his eyes and see all the puzzle pieces falling together in his mind.

“You play dirty, Ryuuzaki…” Raito finally said. “Then I’ll join this side of the investigation as well.”

L didn’t care about playing dirty. Delighted, he ran one thumb over his mouth, a habit he’d developed after getting sugar frequently stuck to his lips. “No, that’s quite alright,” he said, knowing what he said now didn’t matter. The side of his mouth quirked up again.

“What are you saying? It’s decided that Raito is also joining us.” She pumped one arm into the air excitedly.

“No, that’s not it…” said Raito. “I’m against this method of investigating. It’s too dangerous for Misa.”

Something twisted in L’s stomach.

“Raito, thank you for thinking about me. But let me do it. I want to be useful to you, Raito. I want to be useful and be loved even more by Raito. And Misa…” For a second, Misa slipped into her habit of referring to herself in third person. “If it’s for Raito, I can die without any regrets.”

There it was again: Misa’s undying loyalty for Raito, loudly declared, this time in response to Raito’s over-protectiveness of her. L really didn’t want to be in the room. Actually, he didn’t want Raito in the room, either. He wanted Raito and himself in a different room with Misa somewhere on an entirely different planet. It was completely illogical but… well, there it was.

Anyway, all three of them were on board with the plan now; he’d achieved his objective. A few minutes later, Misa had vanished to do something with her makeup – something that L didn’t understand, since she always came back looking exactly the same – and he and Raito were in the hallway, standing under the bright corporate fluorescents. L dug his toes into the stiff carpet; then he turned and dragged Raito off towards the elevator. Raito caught up and walked alongside him. L stuck his hands in his pockets again.

“You must be very much in love with Misa-san to be so protective of her. Isn’t that so, Raito-kun?” L said conversationally, his voice somewhat low. They reached the elevator and his finger pressed the down button. The doors slid open at once.

“As I said, Ryuuzaki, I don’t think Misa should be involved like this,” said Raito as they filed into the elevator together. “It’s dangerous for someone so simple-minded.”

“Hn…” L turned his eyes on Raito, measuring the way the lights reflected on his hair, turning the caramel strands to pale gold. “You have a good point, but Misa-san volunteered herself. Besides that, you avoided answering my question, Raito-kun.”

“Hm? Question?” Raito did that thing where he looked sideways at L and tipped his head back.

They watched each other for a moment. L became distracted by the pulse in Raito’s throat, watching the quick swell and ebb of the flesh over his veins. He tried to think back, to remember when he’d fallen for the other boy, but the exact moment was impossible to pinpoint. It could have been the moment he’d had to accept that Raito probably wasn’t Kira anymore, or any time he’d seen Raito’s earnest efforts to find Kira… or even as far back as the moment Raito had volunteered himself for incarceration. Whenever it was, in the current moment he was finding Raito’s fluttering pulse very reassuring. Surely, neither gods nor serial killers had such a heartbeat.

Raito was speaking again. “You mean, if I’m in love with Misa? Don’t ask ridiculous questions, Ryuuzaki.” He looked away, apparently studying the button panel.

A small catch in Raito’s otherwise smooth voice caught L’s ear, but he didn’t let it show. “Ridiculous? How disappointing for Misa-san. Raito-kun, you’re so rude. You don’t care for Misa-san?”

Raito didn’t answer; he only turned his head and glared at L. The effect was rather ruined by the fact that L couldn’t help but notice how much Raito’s eyes looked like chips of amber.

“I see,” L said at last. “Well, thanks to Misa-san, you’re still part of the investigation.” He ran his thumb over his lip. “I should really thank her for that.”

“What?” Raito inhaled sharply. He shifted his shoulders, twisting so that he faced L. “Ryuuzaki…” he began suspiciously, “did you enlist Misa just to force me to stay?”

L studiously observed the back of the elevator doors. “Hn…partly.”

“Tch. You would. You always go too far, Ryuuzaki.”

Just then the elevator doors slid open on the main floor. Raito marched out to rejoin Mr. Yagami and the others; L slouched after him. “I know,” he said.

_I know._


	2. The Trouble with Hearts

The compound was mostly empty; everybody except L, and (literally) by extension Raito, had either gone back to the station or home. Misa in her own suite had been asleep for hours. Mr. Yagami had gone back to the Yagami household. The other men had gone home as well. Only L and a worn-out Raito were left in front of the giant monitors. They were alone, and it was quite gloomy. The only light came from the enormous monitor that L studied. 

Raito was sitting as far away from L as the handcuffs would allow, reviewing some of the files. He’d already been over them several times before, but he had that feeling that he’d missed something the first couple times. His brain was tired. His fingers kept kitting the keys, making that annoying clack-clack-clackity noise, but his mind wasn’t really on his work. 

With an irritated scowl and a sigh, he turned to look at the boy on the other end of the chain. 

L’s face was brightly lit up by the screen. Only his eyes were shadowed. He was studying the files intently, his fingers moving restlessly over the keyboard, pausing only when he thoughtfully ran one thumb over his lip. 

It gave Raito a strange sense of comfortable familiarity to realize that L was as stressed over the case now as he was. There was a plate of cake on the table at L’s elbow, but L hadn’t touched it yet. The corner of Raito’s mouth twitched up. L must be tired too, if he wasn’t eating cake. 

“L. It’s late.” 

L’s fingers froze, fluttered, and then lay still on the keyboard. There was a long silence. Only the faint whir of the computer fans could be heard. 

“I keep thinking,” said L at last, his voice quiet, “I’ve missed something. There must be one critical detail here that will solve everything. All I have to do is find it.” 

Raito could see the sideways look that L gave him from under his hair, and he knew that L still suspected that he was Kira. _I have to get him to trust me, to believe that I’m not Kira_, he pondered. _But… how do you convince…?_

He sighed deeply. What did it matter? He pushed himself out of his chair and walked over to L. The chain connecting them slid to the ground and was dragged over the carpet. L looked at him as he pulled over a chair and sat down. Up close, Raito could see how fragile L looked: his knees tucked up to his chest, wild pieces of hair falling into his face, and dark half-moons under his eyes. Raito could see tension in L’s shoulders and neck by the way he was sitting. 

With a pang, Raito realized that he had noticed L’s tension. When had he become so familiar with L that he noticed how tense the other boy’s body was? 

_Focus… I’m tired…I just need to get L to let me go to bed…_

Raito picked up L’s unused fork, cut off a piece of cake, and then he put it on the fork and held it out. 

L turned and looked at him. “Raito-kun. What are you doing?” 

Raito leaned his chin on this other hand, trying to look bored and uninterested. “I’m tired and I want to go to bed,” he said. “You’re not leaving the desk while there’s uneaten cake here, and since we’re chained together, I’m not either. Your hands are busy, so I’m helping.” 

L lowered his eyes sadly for a moment. “I’m sorry, Raito-kun. My suspicions that you are Kira must be very inconvenient for you.” 

Raito stared at him, his mouth tightening angrily. _Seriously?! Of course they are!_

“The probability that you are Kira is now only about…” L ran his thumb over his lips again. Raito found his eyes watching the progress of the thumb. “…four percent, but I would still like to keep you close.” L lowered his hand, his eyes watching Raito. 

“I see…” 

L leaned forward suddenly. His mouth closed around the fork, and he licked the cake off. 

THADUMP.

Raito’s heart beat so loudly that he froze, shocked. _What the hell?! Did L hear…?_

L was still watching him. “Are you all right? Your face turned red.” 

Raito looked away quickly; his hair fell forward to cover his eyes. “It’s nothing. I’m just tired because of the case.” He could feel how hot his face had become; he quickly took a deep breath to compose himself, then looked back at L. He cut off another bite of cake and held it out. 

L ate it off the fork obediently, even though he had quit looking over the files, and his hands were no longer busy. 

_So far, so good…_

Raito’s heart was still beating loudly in his ears. “L… what if I really was Kira?” Raito’s gaze was lowered to the floor. “Do you really think I’m the type of person who could kill other people?” He’d asked L the same question earlier, but now he hoped for a different answer somehow. 

“I do.” 

Raito’s face jerked upwards. “What?!” he snapped. His fist, with the fork in it, came down hard on the table. He stared at L angrily, his mouth hanging open. “Ryuuzaki\- how-” 

L took the fork from Raito’s fist gently. “You are the type of person with rigid ideas about good and evil. You must have a very idealistic view of utopia. I believe if you thought you could make this utopia by killing people you call evil, assuming you had had the power, you would.” He picked up the cake plate and continued eating on his own. 

Raito drew hand back slowly. “And that’s why you’re still suspicious of me.” He was hunched over in his chair, his mood darkening. 

“Yes,” said L through a mouthful of cake. “You know, Raito-kun, if it makes you feel better, I hope that you’re not Kira.” 

“Huh?” Raito’s head came up. 

“I told you before you were my friend. It would be depressing if I lost you.” 

For the first time that evening, Raito gave L a small smile. “Not to mention that would mean you have horrible taste in friends.” 

“Hmmm, the likelihood of that is very high. I’d say seventy-two… no, seventy-three percent.” L licked the last bit of frosting off the fork and set it back on the plate. “I’m done, so we’ll go up and you can sleep.” 

 

The suite that L and Raito shared was the floor above the main room. L waited outside while Raito cleaned up in the bathroom; it was weird doing things like brushing his teeth while the chain under the door still connected him to L. They briefly swapped places, and then Raito practically dragged L over to their beds and collapsed in a heap on his own. L simply sat hunched up on the other bed, not sleeping. 

Raito had thought he was tired. He felt tired, but he couldn’t get to sleep. He lay smothered under the thick comforter, in the dark, feeling too hot. After a while, what felt like hours, he rolled over onto his back. When he glanced over, he saw L was still sitting on the edge of the other bed, and he was watching him. L blinked slowly at Raito. Raito scowled uneasily and pulled the blanket over his head. 

A moment later, he felt a pressure on his legs and realized that L was straddling him. 

“What the hell?!” He threw the blanket off his head. The shock of L sitting on top of him made him feel a little shaky. _No way._

For a long moment L didn’t say anything; he just stared down at Raito with those enormous, unnerving eyes. Raito didn’t move. 

Then suddenly L’s face was right up next to his. “What if you were Kira? Would you kill me?”L was so close that Raito could feel him breathing, could smell the mouthwash he’d used not long ago. Minty.

Raito tried to scramble back, but his head ran into the wall. “Of course – that’s Kira’s main goal, isn’t it? Anyway, what’s this about? You’re acting really weird, L” 

“Hmm.” L pulled back and pillowed his head on Raito’s chest. Raito couldn’t move. L’s sloppy hair hid his face, but his low voice was clear. “Even if you are Kira, will you miss me when I’m dead?” 

“L!” Raito struggled to prop himself up on his elbows. “What are you talking about?! You’re not going to die! I’m not Kira!” 

“No one else I’ve ever met has been like you,” L went on, ignoring Raito. “You’re the first person I’ve been able to identify with. Even felt close to.” 

Raito wondered how L could say stuff like that so calmly. 

THADUMP. THUD-THUD-THUD… 

L’s head was still on Raito’s chest. “Your heart is beating very loudly, Raito-kun.” 

“You’re freaking me out. I told you I’m not-” 

Raito’s words were cut off as L’s mouth came down hard on his. Briefly, Raito was frozen in shock, his eyes wide. L’s lips were soft, and warmer than Raito would have expected. Then the realization that L was kissing him caught up with him. 

He shoved L off. L fell off the edge of the bed and landed on the floor with a loud thud. Raito’s heartbeat was fluttering like a bird in his ears. As L slowly got up off the floor, Raito reached and yanked him up by the front of his shirt. 

“What the hell was that?!” he yelled in L’s face. 

L hardly blinked. “Your face is red again, Raito-kun.” 

“You idiot!” Raito’s arms were shaking. He shook L, just a little roughly. “What do you think you’re doing?!” 

“Even if you were, are, or will be Kira, I think you’re a good person. Even as a mass murderer, you care.” 

Raito’s eyes widened. Slowly, he let go of L, and L stood there brushing the wrinkles out of his shirt. Raito wasn’t sure what to do. 

L reached out. His cool fingers slid under Raito’s shirt, up, over his ribs. Raito’s heart sped up at the contact, and he involuntarily inhaled sharply. 

_Damn it._ No way L hadn’t noticed that. Well, if he was going under, then he was going to do it his way. 

Angrily, he threw L onto the bed and crawled on top of him. L’s face was open and surprised as Raito pressed him down into the blankets. Raito leaned in close to him, his eyes and stance almost predatory as he stared into L’s eyes. 

“What happens now must be kept a secret,” he said, his voice low and harsh. “Don’t tell anyone – especially my father.” 

“Of course,” said L. “It seems logical, since both out reputations would be at stake.” 

This time it was Raito who pressed his lips to L’s, aggressively, hungrily, and without restraint. His tongue parted L’s lips slightly and then slipped in between them. He probed farther in, and L responded, kissing him back fiercely. Then he felt teeth on his lower lip. 

“Mfph!” L had nipped him. For a second, he pulled back, but L followed him, sucking at the spot and keeping them together until Raito realized he didn’t want them to be apart. His hands came up. His fingers curved around L’s head, winding in his hair and forcing them even closer together. They were molded to each other, so close they could feel each other’s hearts beating. 

They needed to breathe. Raito finally pulled away to look intently at L. L’s breathing was ragged, his eyes half closed as he gazed at Raito from under heavy lids. Raito was panting. 

He slipped his hands under L’s shirt, pushing the fabric up over his torso, taking in the feel of his smooth, cool skin. L’s breathing hitched; he rolled his head back in pleasure and Raito took the opportunity to trail hot kissed down his neck. When he sucked hungrily at the skin over L’s collarbone, L let out a gasp that was absolutely infuriating. Raito sucked harder, pressing into L’s flesh with his teeth, and L writhed under him. 

“Don’t leave… a… mark… you idiot!” he gasped. 

Raito pulled back, dragging L’s shirt off, but he could get it all the way off because of the handcuffs. 

“These are getting annoying,” he said angrily, rattling the chain. 

“They are… in the way,” L agreed. He sat up, slipped his hand free of the cuff – without the key! – and finished peeling off his shirt. It landed in a pile on the floor. While Raito was staring at him incredulously, L took advantage of his surprise, peeled off Raito’s shirt, and pulled it off the end of the chain. It joined L’s shirt in a heap. L slid his hand neatly back into the handcuffs. 

“You-!” Raito’s mouth was hanging open. “You’re putting the cuffs BACK ON?! You’re not –”

L leaned forward and kissed him, cutting off his protests mid-sentence. 

THUD-THUD-THUD-THUD… 

L’s hand cupped the back of his neck, holding him close, his other hand resting on his chest. Raito was sufficiently distracted. _He’s never going to stop doing this to me_ , he thought. 

After a moment, they broke apart. 

“Regardless of our personal feelings,” said L calmly, “there is still a chance that you were or are Kira.” 

“Fine,” said Raito. “Leave the cuffs on. But…” He bit L hard on the collarbone as he shoved him back down. A muffled yelp escaped L, though Raito could see he tried to swallow it down. “That’s for suspecting me.” 

Raito licked and nibbled his way down L’s chest. L’s skin wasn’t cool any longer; his whole body was heating up as Raito’s mouth covered it. Under Raito’s touch, L squirmed, sweated, and shuddered. Raito’s tongue flicked briefly over L’s nipples, over the hollows of his ribcage, and downward. He paused in the middle of sucking at the swell of L’s hip, and looked up at L with a sly smile on his face. 

His slender fingers dipped into the waistband of L’s jeans. L was already hard and swollen down there; Raito wrapped his fingers around the shaft of L’s erection and began to rub him in every way that was good. 

“Ah-hah-ah-aaaaaaah…” L panted and shivered. “Uh… Unf…” 

Raito’s own body was responding to the muffled seductive noises L was making; the room began to feel hot. He looked up at L. A faint pink flush lay over L’s face, and as he tried to stifle his groans, his teeth clamped down on the soft flesh of his lower lip. 

Raito didn’t think he could stand it. He wanted that lip. He wanted all of L. 

He leaned up and captured L’s mouth with his own. The tips of their tongues swirled languidly around each other while Raito unbuttoned first his own and then L’s jeans. Denim slid over skin, and the rest of L’s clothing ended up on the floor. Now there was nothing left to keep Raito from L. He moved down L’s body again. His mouth closed around L’s erection; he began to lick and suck at the flesh, relishing the feeling. L writhed. His fingers curled into the sheets, straining to hold on. 

“Not so… aaaah…. fast!” he gasped. “I’m going to… you’re not even… you’re still wearing pants!” His fingers twisted in Raito’s hair and he yanked his head back. 

“Fine,” said Raito, letting go. 

L released him and sat up. His hands brushed over Raito’s chest, down his sides, and over his hips. He reached Raito’s pants and pushed at the fabric, but Raito shoved him off roughly. 

“Oh no you don’t,” he growled. “I’m in charge here! You’re just supposed to lie there and do what you’re told.” 

L glared at him while he kicked off his own pants, and when he crawled back on top of L and pressed them together, L bit him on the lip. 

“Mfph! Damn it, L!” Raito scowled down at the other boy, whose face looked perfectly innocent. “That does it.” 

He put his hands on L’s thighs and forced his legs apart, lining himself up to penetrate L. L’s entire body was tense. He squeezed his eyes shut. 

_He’s scared_ , Raito realized. _That’s what this is about_. 

L’s fear touched his heart, and he suddenly leaned down and kissed L fiercely, while at the same moment sliding completely into him. L’s scream was muffled against Raito’s mouth. He jerked involuntarily but Raito held them together, keeping L from crying out aloud. After a few moments, when the scream in L’s throat died, Raito released him, but L still clung to him, breathing hard. They stayed close like that for a while, with Raito letting L adjust to the feeling of being penetrated. 

“Oh god…” L panted, burying his face in Raito’s neck. Raito looked down at him, all curled up underneath him. 

“You okay?” he asked. L nodded mutely. 

Raito began to slide in and out of L, slowly at first, feeling every inch. Small beads of sweat had broken out all over L’s skin. Raito wrapped his fingers around L’s erection and began to pump him as he pushed into him rhythmically, faster and faster. As he picked up speed, L’s arms came up, his fingers dug into Raito’s back and he wrapped his legs around him. They were so close. There was so much skin on bare skin. 

L’s entire body was wrought with tension, his head thrown back in a sort of pained ecstasy as he gritted his teeth and gulped down his cries. 

“Mfph… ah…. Ah-ah-ah-AAH!” suddenly L convulsed, curling up as his muscles spasmed, his limbs tightly clenching Raito. It set Raito off. He pulled L closer to him as he came. L dug his teeth into Raito’s shoulder, and Raito had to swallow down his own scream with difficulty as they both rode out the rest of the double orgasm. 

After a long moment they collapsed, gasping for air. Raito pulled out and lay on his back, exhausted. L curled up next to him, and they both fell asleep. 

 

Raito woke up early the next morning. His eyes fluttered open to see pale, pre-dawn light leaking through the window blinds. The alarm clock on the bedside table told him it was only a few minutes past five. There was still time to sleep. Contented, he wriggled deeper under the blankets and clasped L closer to him. L’s body was soft and warm in his arms, and he shut his eyes. 

His eyes flew open suddenly as he realized he’d been spooning L in his sleep. Their bodies were perfectly aligned, Raito’s arms wrapped around L’s torso, his face nestled against L’s hair. 

Was L awake? Did he know what Raito had been doing? 

But when Raito carefully lifted his head to peer at L’s face, L appeared to be sound asleep. That was fine, then. It would have been hard for Raito to move anyway; one of his arms was pinned by L, and L had his hands stubbornly clamped over Raito’s. Raito sighed. He would have to disentangle himself before L woke up, but for now… he pressed his lips gently to the alabaster skin of L’s exposed shoulder. 

Raito stayed there a while, breathing softly on L’s neck, until L finally shifted in his sleep and moved his hands off Raito’s. Careful not to jingle the handcuffs too much, Raito disentangled himself and climbed out of the bed. The room was cool, and he shivered slightly. Moving quietly, he began to pick up the piles of clothing left from the night before. They had left something of a mess and would have to clean it all up before getting back to the case. He turned and looked at L. 

L was watching him from the bed, his eyes large and open. There was a small smile on his face. 

“Hm?” Raito blinked at him. “How long have you been awake?” 

L’s eyes were almost luminous in the early morning gloom. “I’ve been awake for hours. You of all people know I hardly ever sleep.” 

_Then… he knows I… _

L continued. “I pretended to be asleep so as not to disturb you. Actually, it was rather enjoyable. Raito-kun is very affectionate the morning after.” 

Raito’s eyes narrowed. “You!” He could feel his face heating up. 

“What? What’s the matter?”L sat up. 

“Nothing,” said Raito darkly, and he turned away and began picking up the rest of their clothing. 

L seized the chain connecting them and yanked hard on Raito’s handcuff. Raito stumbled back and landed on the bed next to L. He scowled at L, who looked completely calm, staring at Raito as if he did this every day. 

“What?” 

“You left quite a mark on me,” said L, tapping his collarbone. The skin there was a bruised rusty color, darkening to purple where Raito’s teeth had sunk in. “But it looks like I did the same to you.” His hands brushed over Raito’s shoulder, where a nearly identical mark had blossomed on Raito’s skin. Raito watched in surprise as L bent his head towards it; L pressed his lips gently to the bruise. Raito stared at him, startled, as he sat back up and looked at Raito from under his hair. 

“An eye for an eye, Raito-kun.”


	3. Regrets

Raito pushed himself off the bed. "Ryuuzaki," he said, rattling the chain at L. "We should get ready."

"Of course," L said. He slipped his hand from the cuff, allowing Raito brief freedom, and threw his legs over the edge of the bed. "Back to work, it seems." He tried to stand up and promptly fell over, collapsing to the floor in a flurry of limbs.

"Ryuuzaki!" Raito stared at the other boy sprawled on the rough carpet. "Are you okay?"

"My hips… " L gave an undignified groan and curled up in a fetal position. "I'm a bit indisposed at the moment. Raito…"

"Oh no…" Raito crouched down next to L. "Are you sore?"

"I'm afraid so." L looked up at Raito out of the corner of his eye. "I expected some residual pain, but this… this is definitely more than I expected. It's a bit of a problem, actually." His fingers curled up against his sternum.

Raito looked down at L. "Sorry…"

"Hn…" L thoughtfully rolled his eyes upwards so that he was staring out across the floor. "The problem is the case. Although we officially separated from the task force yesterday, I also offered them the continued use of this building. I expect some of them will show up here to continue working on the case. Hn… what to do…"

"You mean, because if you go down there like this, and they see you, it will be suspicious?"

L turned his head, looking up at Raito owlishly. "Yes, that's it exactly. Well, there's nothing else to do. I'll have to call in sick."

Raito smirked. "You're kidding. The great detective L, calling in sick?"

"Well, it's never happened before," L said reasonably. "But as they say, there's a first time for everything."

Raito let out a short, amused breath through his nose. "Hm. Should I bring you a phone to call Watari?"

"I think I can handle it if I don't move too quickly," L said. "I collapsed because I wasn't expecting it, and I stood up too suddenly. I'm only a little sore… If I move more cautiously, I believe some of the soreness could be worked out, although I may still limp a bit."

Raito wasn't sure what to say to that; he felt like he should show affection or something, but that wasn't really his thing. "Right…" he said, "I'm going to take a shower now." He left L to himself and headed towards the bathroom.

Raito was riding on a bliss, a sort of mental and emotional high from the night before; he gave himself a sloppy, close-mouthed smile in the mirror when he went into the bathroom. His mind was a little bleary from the early hour, and it wasn't until he was in the shower that he began to wake up and realize what had just happened.

_Wait… L and I just…_

He was standing under the shower head, letting the hot water stream down the sides of his face; his eyes widened and he stared at the flecks of water beading on the shower wall. His mind was filled with a blank buzzing; he felt numb, the sting of the water pressure dulled by emotional shock.

_Did that really just happen?_

His hands shook as he switched off the shower knobs and stepped out of the shower. He rubbed a wide swath in the foggy mirror, revealing his own pale, guilt-ridden face and a still-purpling bruise on his shoulder. His fingers rubbed the spot carefully, dancing over the faint teeth marks.

_What…_

Water dribbling off him puddled around his feet on the floor tiles. He jerked his hand away from the mark on his skin as though it were burning him.

_No way… we couldn't have…_ He stared unhappily at his own reflection. _Not he and I…_

But his memories betrayed him; he couldn't erase the mental images he had of L drawing him in, wrapping his legs around Raito, squirming underneath him – and he couldn't deny them either, not when he had just finished washing _evidence_ off his body.

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Both of them were central to the case; they couldn't afford to get emotionally involved. They were meant to be impartial, men of logic and facts. If anyone found out, their reputations were ruined.

_Damn it! The cameras!_

It was too late now; what had happened had happened, and if anyone had already arrived downstairs they would have been able to watch L and him get out of bed together. Naked.

Even if no one else knew yet, their supposed impartiality was in shambles, the case was in shambles, and if they were going to continue working together, Raito needed to put a stop to this. Because L, the world's greatest detective, and Yagami Raito, soon to be the world's second greatest detective, do not let themselves become biased.

He finished getting ready like a zombie. By the time he had finished toweling off and getting dressed, his limbs were cold and his hair wasn't properly combed. L was already in the small kitchen waiting for him, and somehow, despite his soreness, he had already cleaned himself up, gotten dressed and stripped the sheets off the bed, all while Raito was in the shower. Now he was sitting at the table with his legs folded up to his chest, one hand on his knees as he methodically dropped a mountain of sugar cubes into his coffee with the other. He looked up when Raito wandered in.

"Raito-kun," he said by way of a greeting, and the corners of his mouth quirked up. "You look unusually disheveled this morning; you should come eat." He took a neat gulp of his coffee. L was looking rather disheveled himself; having just gotten out of the shower in the other bathroom, his thin shirt clung to his damp skin, and the tendrils of his hair were drying together in a tumultuous mass.

Raito merely looked at him for a moment, and then he turned his eyes away and sat down silently. The table was laid with the barest supermarket breakfast: a thin cardboard box full of doughnuts and pastries and a plastic tray of assorted fruit, but Raito didn't touch any of it. He was busy staring blankly at the whorls and lines of the wooden table top. L put down his cup, reached over, and casually slipped his hand back into the loose end of the handcuffs. The movement revived Raito.

"L…" he choked out. "The cameras in here…"

L frowned at him over the rim of his coffee cup. "No need to look so worried, Raito-kun. The cameras are off. They have been off since yesterday after you asked me the first time if I thought you seemed like someone who could commit murder."

Raito knots his hands uneasily together in front of him on the table. "Won't the rest of the team think that's suspicious?" he asked, his voice darkening.

"Not at all." L is perfectly calm, comfortable in his own assurance. "If they call to ask where we are, I'll simply tell them what I told Watari. I'm staying in my suit because I'm ill and on the brink of death, and since you're chained to me I can keep an eye on you myself." L fished a doughnut out of the box and began to lick off the frosting; a dab of chocolate crème appeared on his nose.

"Then… I have to stay up here…" Raito looked up slowly at L.

L frowned at his heavy tone. "With me all day, yes. And," he added, almost as an afterthought, "Misa is not allowed in here."

Raito had no response to that; he just rested his chin on his hand and stared off into space. A horrible gulf was opening up inside him, an awful realization: they've shattered the façade of a friendly relationship they'd carefully constructed before, broken it and accidentally turned it into a real relationship. It wasn't the right kind of relationship, not at all. This was not something that should have happened, and Raito felt slightly sick.

"Raito-kun?"

L's voice pulled him out of the depths of his terrible contemplations. Raito's worries bubbled up out of the gulf, spilled out of him in the form of an uncertain question. "Ryuuzaki…what have I done…?"

"What do you mean?" L blinked once, slowly and pensively.

Raito was caught by the way L's dark, liquid eyes were reflecting the light, by the way the deep circles underneath are paler than yesterday. He wondered if it was only now that he knew L so well that he was able to see it, or if L had always looked like this: thoughtful, calm and cool, wise, secretive… and manipulative.

_Does everyone see him like this, or is it only me?_

L was still staring at him. He leaned forward and poked Raito in the cheek, gently.

"Don't touch me!" Raito exploded, lashing out and smacking L's hand away from him. Suddenly he hated L, hated him for touching him, for kissing him, for sleeping with him, and most of all for being so achingly beautiful and so unerringly, angelically _good_.

L sat back. The expression on his face underwent no drastic changes, but Raito could sense his hurt and confusion in the way his mouth pinches together around the corners and the way his eyes were locked on him, watchful. Raito turned away coldly.

"Ryuuzaki…" he said again, but this time his voice is hard. "What have we done?"

"Do you want it in clinical terms or should I describe it more poetically? I was never very good with poetry, so I'd choose the first option if I were you," L said dryly.

Raito leapt to his feet, knocking his chair back. "This isn't any time to joke, Ryuuzaki!" His hands curled into fists at his sides as he stared L down. "How can you be so calm?"

"Well, it's simple really." Thoughtfully, L dipped his fingertips into his coffee and then licked them off. "I approach the situation in an analytical manner and consider all possible angles, consequences, and outcomes."

Raito took a deep breath. Maybe they could work things out analytically, get things back to some semblance of the way they were before. It didn't have to be emotional, it could be logical; maybe they could rationalize it all away. "What about the case? You just…" He couldn't bring himself to say it. "…with your prime suspect."

L was amused. "I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that," he said blandly. "I did what with the prime suspect?"

Raito said nothing, only glared at L menacingly over the table.

L's amusement faded into puzzlement. After a moment, he gave a faint sigh – hardly more than a breathy exhalation through his nose – and grew serious. "Alright then. You're still technically a suspect. However, if we consider that it's been established with 98% certainty that you're not Kira, at least not anymore, then the consequences of what we've done become insignificant to the case provided you do not become Kira for a second time." L wrapped his arms around his knees while he was speaking.

The side of Raito's mouth twisted up in a smirk. "How cold, Ryuuzaki."

"I'm sorry, did you not want an analysis?"

Not knowing what it was he wanted, Raito looked away. His words were heavy. "We shouldn't have done it."

"Yes, you're probably right," L agreed placidly. "But you certainly seemed to enjoy it at the time."

"How can you say things like that?" Raito erupted once again. His hands found the fruit tray and overturned it, sending grapes and chunks of cantaloupe rolling across the table. "This is your fault. If you hadn't kissed me everything would be fine."

Half of a sliced strawberry had landed on L's shoulder along with a glob of juice, which bled down his shirt fabric, staining over the place where his heart was. He reached up and plucked the fruit between his fingers. "Are you regretting what we did last night?" he asked quietly, examining the strawberry.

"Don't ask me that." Raito stared at L, furious.

For the first time, L avoided Raito's eyes. His gaze rose briefly to meet Raito's and then meekly dropped away to study the fruit.

"I see…" he said slowly. For just an instant, there was a flash of pain in his eyes. He buried it quickly, lowering his eyelids as if he were merely lazy and couldn't be bothered to care what Raito thought. Raito saw the pain though, and it was like a knife to his gut. He wanted to reach out, brush his fingers over the pale skin, through the ebony hair, make the pain go away, but he pushed the urge down deep inside him. Instead, he turned to the undamaged pastries for breakfast. L popped the strawberry into his mouth and chewed it, slowly.


	4. Falling

Outside of the case, Raito hardly spoke to L for two days, which meant that the first day they stayed in their suite, he didn't say a word. The second day they went back to work, business as usual, and by the end of it, Raito's rage had burned off into a restless frustration with himself. He spent every moment he wasn't reviewing files pacing back and forth as much as he could, dragging the chain over the floor until it became taut and pulled him in the other direction.

He felt guilty. Things between him and L could optimistically be called "tense", and as much as he wanted to keep blaming L, he knew most of it was his fault. L may have made the first move in the whole ordeal, but Raito certainly hadn't been pushing him away, and then afterward he had been the one to blow up completely and unnecessarily. Raito wanted a way to make things the way they were before, when they were co-workers, but was that even possible? L could always hear how loudly he made Raito's heart beat.

"Raito-kun," said L levelly, not even looking away from the computer monitor. "Pacing will not help to catch Kira, and you are making it very difficult for everyone to concentrate. Please sit down."

Raito cast an annoyed look at Matsuda, who was sitting on one of the mustard yellow couches under the stairs, re-reviewing the files Mr. Yagami had brought back from the station and blissfully ignoring them both. Not that Matsuda would have had anything helpful to add even if he had noticed Raito's agitation. Raito sighed and finally seated himself in a chair away from L so that the chain was tight.

L had been unusually quiet that day as well, although neither Matsuda nor Mr. Yagami seemed to have noticed (Misa and Mogi were out). Raito was the only one who had noticed. L had spent a great deal of time earlier that day speaking with Aiber and bringing him up to speed on their new plan to get Misa hired by Yotsuba, but he'd barely spoken to the few members of the task force. Although L remained outwardly as calm and stoic as ever, Raito could tell by the way the corners of his mouth twisted downward that he was upset, and that knowledge wrenched at something inside his chest. Still, he didn't know how to cross the abyss between them without falling in.

Mr. Yagami had been standing on the other side of the room, talking on his cell phone with someone from the station. Now he snapped the phone shut and slid it into his suit pocket, wandering over to Raito as he did so.

"I've found out about the logistics of arresting the seven based on the evidence we have," he said grimly, "and it looks like we're going to see how Ryuuzaki's plan plays out." He placed a large hand on the back of Raito's chair and looked down at his son.

Raito looked up at him blankly. _If only you knew_ , he thought. _I may not be a killer, but I'm a terrible person nonetheless._

"Well, that's as I expected," said L quietly. He tapped a bit on the keyboard. Raito stared at him, trying to read his unreadable face.

"Hm," grunted Mr. Yagami. "Well, it looks like there's not much I can do right now. It's late. I'm going to head home."

At that, Matsuda stood up from the couch and stretched. "Yeah, me too," he said lazily. "I'm not much good here." He flexed his hands and dropped papers all over the floor. No one bothered to contradict him as he scrambled to pick them up and then joined them.

"Anyway," said Mr. Yagami after that distraction. "Raito, don't get too worked up over this case. It's not good detective work to let your emotions get the better of you." He rested his hand on Raito's shoulder paternally. Raito felt a twist in his gut.

_My…emotions…damn. Dad, it's too late._

"Chief, you worry too much!" Matsuda butted in before anyone else could say anything. He grinned comfortably. "Raito-kun would never let himself get emotionally involved in a case."

"Well, that's certainly true," L agreed drily.

Raito couldn't help himself at that. "Hey!" he snapped at L, and then shut his mouth quickly, remembering where they were.

"See, chief?" Matsuda continued, oblivious to Raito's outburst. "Even Ryuuzaki agrees."

"Indeed," said L. "Raito would never allow himself to become emotionally involved in a case, even at the expense of personal matters."

Raito slumped down in his chair, defeated.

Mr. Yagami patted Raito's shoulder awkwardly. "Hmm. I guess you're right. I've just been too anxious about the case. But if anybody can catch Kira, it's L and Raito."

"Especially when they work together!" Matsuda proclaimed.

"Right," Raito mumbled, although he wasn't really sure anymore. _I've already slipped up once – twice maybe – so how can I expect any sort of success?_

Matsuda and Mr. Yagami finally disappeared into the elevator, leaving L and Raito alone. Together. In the middle of the most awkward and painful silence Raito had ever experienced. He couldn't focus and he couldn't look at L. He called up some files for review on his screen, but he ended up just spacing out as he stared at the monitor.

He'd done it. He'd broken not only the tenuous friendship they had formed, but he'd also ruined their work relationship. He felt like scum. He was despicable, a sorry excuse for a human being. Raito knew how fragile L's emotions must be – after all, if they weren't breakable, why would he hide and protect them so well? He'd known that, and yet he'd gone and played with them anyway, all to satisfy some kind of weird, lusty craving he had for L. So much for them understanding each other. Raito leaned one elbow on the desk and rested his chin on his hand petulantly.

_L doesn't deserve this_.

The chain rattled. L was standing up, unfurling himself from the chair, and switching off his monitor. Without a word, he slouched toward the stairs. Raito slowly got up and followed him.

Once they were upstairs in their suite, L stopped, standing in the center of their living quarters with his thin shoulders drawn in around his neck. He seemed to be waiting for Raito to do something. Normally, this was when Raito would drag L around so that he could get ready for bed, but tonight, Raito merely stood there for a moment, staring at L's back, and then he stalked past L and collapsed on the couch, lying on his back with his head on the armrest, leaving the lights off. He stared numbly up at the ceiling.

L didn't deserve someone as cruel as him anyway, whether it be as a friend, co-worker, or lover. L deserved better.

There was a long pause, and then L spoke up. "Raito-kun has been unusually quiet lately," he said, his voice kept carefully neutral.

Raito was silent. There was a lot he wanted to say, but he couldn't find the courage to force his voice out.

After another pause, L spoke up again. "In the last half hour, I have also noticed that Raito-kun seemed to lose much of his usual fervor." There was a quiet, metallic clinking as L took a few steps toward Raito, until he was almost standing slouched over him.

Raito looked away toward the other side of the room unable to meet L's gaze. He hummed noncommittally.

"Something is bothering Raito-kun?"

Raito knew the expression L was probably making now. His eyes were probably dark and intense, tinged with worry, and he was probably running his thumb over his lower lip. Raito swallowed. "Yeah," he said thickly. "I suppose."

There was a silence. Out of the corner of his eye, Raito saw the white of L's hand as it came out of his pocket and fluttered, hovering as if he wanted to reach out toward Raito but wasn't sure how his touch would be received. Raito's heart faltered painfully. After a moment, the hand retracted.

"Raito…" said L lowly, addressing Raito directly. "Please tell me what's bothering you."

Raito? Not Raito-kun, proper and in third person? It was this direct, familiar usage of his name that made Raito crane his neck back over the sofa arm, until his eyes met L's looking down at him. He stared up at L. L stared down at him. Suddenly, Raito felt like it was possible for everything to be okay again.

_Even if I'm a monster…?_

"Ryuuzaki," he said out loud. "…I'm sorry."

Finally, one corner of L's mouth twitched up. There was a lot of self-deprecation in the motion, but it was almost a smile. "For what is Raito-kun apologizing?"

As soon as L reverted back to the formal, Raito missed the casual way he'd said his name before. "I'm apologizing for the way I treated you before. It was…rude…of me. It wasn't your fault, and I overreacted."

"Ah, I see." L contemplated the ceiling, as stoic as a philosopher. "Raito-kun wishes for us to become friendly co-workers again."

"Well…yeah. That's true." Raito brushed hair out of his eyes, wishing L would look at him. "Even besides that, though, I didn't mean to blame you for what happened. Most of it was my fault."

"At least part of it was my fault," L said to the ceiling, sounding amused.

"Ah…well…yes," Raito admitted awkwardly. "But I meant when I yelled at you afterward."

Finally, L lowered his gaze to Raito, his face carefully blank. "Raito-kun blames himself for that?" he asked. His hand came up and he trailed his fingers over Raito's forehead softly. His touch was cool.

"Yes." Raito closed his eyes, relishing the comforting sensation.

L paused for a moment and then withdrew his hand. "I do not blame Raito-kun."

Raito propped himself up on one arm so he could look at L incredulously. "What? Why?"

"It is common for people who regret something they have done to displace their anger at themselves on someone else, at least temporarily. I was the logical target, of course," said L. He had his hands in his pockets and was speaking quite casually, as though they discussed nothing more interesting than his favorite type of pastry. "I didn't believe it to be done out of true vehemence. Therefore, I accept your apology. We can continue to work together." L paused as though he were pulling something together in his mind behind those inscrutable eyes. "Don't worry, Raito-kun. If you don't want anything else, then nothing else will happen."

Apparently done speaking, L turned away from Raito. Raito sat up and his arm shot out, his fingers interlacing with L's so that L was trapped. He couldn't walk away without dragging Raito along with him, closer than just the chain would have allowed. They both froze. L looked at Raito, his curious expression asking the question.

"Ryuuzaki," said Raito desperately.

"Raito," said L.

Raito's gaze traveled down to their connected hands, and words seemed to pull themselves from his throat as he let go. "Ryuuzaki, are the cameras still…?"

"Still off, Raito-kun," L reassured.

Raito hung his head and sighed, running both hands over his face. L moved closer to stand in front of him, their knees almost touching.

"Raito-kun is afraid," L proffered.

Raito's head snapped up. "No!" he said. Then, "yes…" He buried his face in L's stomach. L's fingers tangled in his hair, his fingertips massaging Raito's scalp soothingly.

"Why?" he murmured.

Raito, unable to speak, simply shook his head, causing L's shirt to bunch up slightly. It smelled faintly of laundry detergent.

"If you can't say it, you don't have to," said L evenly, his voice still quiet.

Raito looked up at L, pleading slightly. "I really am sorry."

L's face was surrounded by the dark strands of his hair, but his eyes still stood out as he gazed down at Raito. "Just…sorry?" he asked. A subtle note of yearning tinged his voice and caught Raito's attention.

His heart began to beat loudly again; the pulse seemed to fill his body, and could feel the hard, repetitive squeezing in his chest and hear the dull thud…thud…thud. For a moment, he stopped breathing. He was still staring at L, and now he grabbed the collar of L's shirt with one hand. L blinked slowly at him. Raito knew L could probably hear his heart beat; with his fingers on Raito's neck, he could probably feel it, too, and he was probably about to say so.

"Don't say a word," Raito warned. "I can hear it."

The corners of L's mouth pulled back in what, for L, passed as a genuine smile. Raito tugged him closer. He could feel L's breath ghost over his face as he exhaled, and then their lips met. It was a slow and gentle pressure, with L's lower lip fitted into the closed crevice of Raito's mouth, that didn't last long. They broke apart and stared at each other.

"Will Raito-kun regret this later as well?" asked L.

Raito closed his eyes for a moment, and his grip on L's shirt tightened. "No," he said firmly.

He leaned back against the couch, pulling L down on top of him. L straddled him awkwardly. He was hovering over Raito with very little space between their bodies. Raito took a deep breath and let go of L's shirt, and his hands traveled up to cup L's face, his fingers sliding into L hairline. He nudged their faces closer together, grazing his lips over L's. It wasn't really a kiss; it was more like the softest brush of skin over skin, their mouths barely touching.

"What about being biased in the case?" L murmured. Raito's mouth twitched; it tickled slightly.

"I'm already biased," he whispered back. "This won't make it any worse. In fact," he paused to flick his tongue into the corner of L's mouth and smiled when L sucked in a breath, "I believe it will motivate me."

"Hmm." L wrapped one hand around the back of Raito's neck. "If this helps us work well together…" he began.

"…then I'm not complaining," Raito finished. He moved his hands from L's face, down to his waist where they wandered over his hip bones until they slid comfortable into the back pockets of L's jeans. L shifted closer. Raito ran the tip of his tongue tantalizingly over L's lower lip, and then over his upper lip, until L finally fused their mouths all the way together, taking Raito's tongue into his own.

After a minute, they broke apart. Although he knew he really shouldn't, he couldn't help but tease L a little. "Hey, Ryuuzaki," he said, raising a finger to trace the shape of L's mouth. "Doesn't this make you biased in the case as well? I am your prime suspect after all."

He knew as soon as he said it that he should have kept his mouth shut. He'd hit L right in his weak spot: his detective pride.

L looked away, diverting his face so that Raito couldn't read his emotions anymore. His frown deepened. He started to push himself off Raito, but Raito tightened the grip he had on his waist.

"Ryuuzaki, no, I'm sorry. You don't have to answ-"

"I'm already biased."

"What?" Raito froze, staring up at L. For a second, he thought he'd imagined L saying it; L's voice was so low. L's head was bowed so that his hair hid his eyes.

"I was already biased," L repeated. He peered at Raito through the tendrils of his hair cautiously.

Raito felt like he lost his ability to speak as his heart beat sped up (again). His mouth felt very dry; he licked his lips to fix it. "….oh," he managed to croak. Then his hand reached out on its own and did something strange: it brushed L's hair out of his face. Raito watched it with a sort of detached fascination. At the contact, L took a deep breath and slumped, hiding his face again Raito's chest. Raito's hand moved soothingly through L's hair.

Raito found his voice again. "You too, huh?" he chuckled darkly. "Some detectives we are."

L didn't say anything to that; he just moved up and nuzzled Raito's neck, licking and kissing the skin there. Raito smiled, and then his breath hitched as L found a sensitive spot over his collarbone and sucked on it. His hand in L's hair stopped moving. When L's teeth scraped over the flesh, a quiet groan escaped Raito's throat, much to his mortification. L swiped his tongue over Raito's collarbone.

Raito's hands found their way under L's shirt, and once again L tensed as Raito's fingers trailed over his skin. Raito was quickly losing control of all his mental capacities as his body heated up. When L sucked wetly on his earlobe, his hips bucked upward unconsciously. In response, L ground down on him, driving their hips hard against each other. It was addictive. His hands crept farther up L's chest, slowly lifting the fabric, and as his fingernails ran over L's nipples, L sucked in a harsh breath and pulled back.

"We should…move," L forced out.

"Huh?" Raito blinked dazedly for a second. "Oh…yeah."

L dragged himself off Raito, and Raito followed him up, already missing and craving the heat of L's body.

Raito was momentarily confused when L dragged him via handcuffs to the bathroom. L grabbed a few small towels, saw Raito's expression, and held them up.

"We'll need these later," he said.

The pieces clicked together in Raito's head. "Ah."

"And also…." L continued, tugging Raito toward the pair of beds. He rummaged in the nightstand drawer and withdrew a seemingly innocuous tube of goo. "…this," he said, handing it Raito.

Raito was fairly certain he was running a brilliant shade of crimson; he could feel the heat radiating off his face as he looked at the tube.

L was watching him, amused. "Raito-kun…"

"I'm red, I know," Raito interrupted. He turned the tube over in his hand awkwardly. "How…when did you even…" His voice trailed away as he glanced up at L, who was listening expectantly. He decided some of the mysteries of life were better left mysterious. "Nevermind."

The corned of L's mouth twitched up in amusement. He raised one hand and ran the back of it over Raito's cheek. "Raito-kun...are you certain this is alright?"

Raito shut his eyes. "Yes," he said. The touch was soothing, and Raito leaned into it automatically. Then, feeling it wasn't enough, he leaned forward, seeking L's lips. L wrapped on arm around his neck and lean into him and then –

"Oof!"

After a brief moment in which gravity seemed to fluctuate, they both toppled over. Somehow Raito managed to end up on top of L, pinning him to the bed by his legs. L wriggled into a more comfortable position, hooking his legs over Raito's on either side of his waist. Raito was okay with that. He licked L's neck in a long, messy stroke, his eyes flickering up to check on him, but L had his arms wrapped firmly around Raito, so he seemed to be doing…pretty good. Raito grinned. L seemed to be doing really, really good. His eyelids looked heavy.

Raito nuzzled his way down L's chest a bit, moving under the slightly constricting, but not unwelcome, weight of L's arms. His mouth managed to find one of L's nipples, and he lapped at it before dragging his teeth lightly over the bed of tense flesh. L shivered slightly and a low, quickly stifled moan escaped him. "This is okay?" Raito asked without removing his mouth completely, speaking against L's skin.

"Yes," said L, sounding as though he might be clenching his teeth. "This is all 'okay'."

Raito lifted his head, staring straight into L's dark eyes. "All?" he echoed.

"Indeed. Most definitely. Where is…?"

"Here," said Raito. His hand found the tube where it had been carelessly discarded among the bed covers and he held it up, flicking the cap open. His other hand stroked teasingly along the sides of L's erection in a way that he could tell was making it difficult for L to focus.

"Yes. Good," said L in a strained voice. He breathed out and then in slowly, in a deep, controlled way that told Raito he was probably trying not to pant or groan. So, Raito, being a sneaky, sadistic bastard at heart and craving L's loss of total control, intensified what he was doing with his other hand. He got a little rougher, and L made a noise that could have been a choked off whimper as he arched a little against Raito.

Raito sucked in a breath as the movement caused L's thigh to brush Raito's own aching erection. The movements of his hand grew more desperate, and with his other hand he flipped over the tube and dribbled a fair amount of the stuff over L. L was legitimately panting now, his hands clamped around Raito's neck as if to anchor him. His pupils were enormous.

That was good. For now. Raito's hand slid lower until he finally pressed a finger into L. He went slowly and watched L's face carefully, and his other hand moved to L's erection again, stroking roughly to keep L from tensing too much. He remembered how sore L had been last time. He moved the finger farther in, and L seemed fine other than tightening his hands, so he added another. This time, L clenched up and groaned, not with pain, but not with pleasure either. Raito massaged a bit, and when he could feel L relaxing again, he paused. L looked up at him, waiting. He added a third finger, and then, when he flexed his fingers and he hit a certain spot-

L gasped and writhed against him, letting out a garbled whine that almost surprised Raito.

_Whoa_.

L always responded a bit strongly whenever Raito touched him – anywhere other than his face or hands – but he'd never responded like this before, not so intensely. Raito had felt the physical response, the way L's legs tightened on either side of his hips and his erection grew even harder under his hand. So, he did it again.

Again, L jerked and a low keening came from his throat. It was guttural and visceral and a complete turn-on for Raito.

Raito grinned wickedly and pulled out his fingers, and L whined and squirmed. He scowled up at Raito, but the affect was more adorable than anything since he had his lower lip pinned between his teeth. Raito couldn't help it; he had to kiss L again, and again until the scowl was completely gone.

L was sufficiently distracted, and Raito couldn't wait much longer. He was already perfectly positioned. In between hungry kisses, he slid into L in one fluid movement. L tensed for a moment, his groan low in Raito's ear, and his fingers dug into Ratio's neck.

"Does it hurt?" Raito whispered against L's cheek, his voice thick with concern.

L took a deep breath and arched against Ratio, purposefully rolling his hips. "No," he panted. "Not this time."

Raito pulled out halfway and then pushed back in. "Good," he said, a little strained from feeling so much _want._

He began to push rhythmically into L, slow at first. When he found the spot again, L jerked his head back and moaned helplessly, and Raito picked up speed. He thrust repeatedly into L, and L let out noises with every thrust.

He was close, and he could feel that L was, too, by the tight swelling of his erection. He wrapped one hand around it again and pumped, hard. Only a few pumps, and L came with a low cry, his legs clenched around Raito's waist, his fingernails digging into Raito's neck, and his eyes screwed shut. A moment later, Raito came too, double over L with the force of his muscle spasms, his mouth clamped shut to keep from crying out.

When the spasms subsided, he lay on top of L for a while as they both caught their breaths. Then he rolled stickily over and reached for the towels on the nightstand to clean them up. L was silent as he did so, sluggish in a post-coital, hormone-induced stupor, watching Ratio through sleepy eyes. After Raito carelessly tossed away the used towels and lay back down, he curled up against Raito's side, nuzzling his neck contentedly. Raito lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling as he absent-mindedly stroked L's hair.

"Damn it," he said finally, in a completely calm voice, "it happened again." So, he'd fallen into the abyss.

L sat up at once, looking alarmed. "Raito-"

"Don't look so worried." Raito tugged L back down by his shoulder – he was letting in the cold air. "I'm not saying I regret it."

L relaxed again. He sighed, laid his head on Raito's shoulder, and pulled the blankets up over them. Raito went back to staring at the ceiling.

"I just," Raito said to the ceiling after a long time, "didn't think it should go this far again. This is seriously wrong."

L didn't answer.

"Ryuuzaki?" Raito glanced down, but L had already fallen asleep, breathing peacefully against Raito's skin. Raito let his head drop back onto the pillow.

Why did this keep happening? What were the factors that led to this event being repeated between him and L?

It had been a long difficult case, and everyone had suffered in one way or another. Additionally, Raito's freedom had been restricted, and there were sure to be some physiological needs that built up because of all this. Needs had to be dealt with, and L was the logical person to help deal with them. He was near, trustworthy, a friend – or something – and he had the same needs that he was apparently very willing to take care of with Raito. It was needs… and curiosity, too, because Ratio couldn't deny that he had been, and still was, very curious about L.

Raito frowned down at the top of L's head. So that's how it was for himself, Raito knew, but what about L?

_Why is he here?_

For some reason, Raito didn't think he wanted to know the honest answer to that question.


	5. Doubts and Uncertainties

"Misa-san, you came to Tokyo hoping to meet Kira." Aiber's tone was full of accusations, though his posture was relaxed as he sat on the edge of the sofa, hands clasped between his knees.

"EH?" Misa hollered. She threw her hands up in the air in a ghastly caricature of shock.

L looked like he wanted to either ram his palm into his forehead or whack Misa on the back of her head with his megaphone. Raito, standing next to him watching, gave him an amused grin. L ignored him.

"Okay Misa-san," he drawled into the megaphone, "I know that the line is a bunch of bull, but let's not over-do it." He spared Raito an exasperated look, and Raito could sense that he really wanted to roll his eyes – but he was L, so of course he stayed perfectly composed. Raito snickered.

Misa was offended. "Whaaat? That was what people call first class acting."

 _I don't know what people see in her,_ Raito thought. _That was terrible._

"Yeah, well," said L blandly. "Let's do it again."

"Yes-director-Ryuuzaki, sir…" said Misa sarcastically, waving her hands. Raito had to stifle a snort; Misa being sarcastic, especially to L, was hilarious.

"Misa-san." L's voice was tired. "Please take it seriously or you'll have to take my kick."

Raito didn't think he would mind it too much if L did kick Misa – L had kicked _him_. And Misa was annoying. He and L exchanged significant glances as Misa went back to rehearsing for her interview with Yotsuba. Raito thought he saw a question hiding behind L's eyes, but he couldn't ask him about it in front of the others.

It was later that night, after he and L had retreated into their rooms, that he found out what it was.

"Raito-kun."

Raito was perched on his bed, and L was standing a few feet away with his hands in his pockets, watching Raito kick off his shoes.

Raito looked up at him. "What is it, Ryuuzaki?"

"What is Raito-kun's opinion of Misa-san?"

 _What? Seriously?_ That wasn't what Raito had been expecting. He snorted and flipped his hair out of his eyes. "She's foolish," he said firmly. "More trouble than she's worth."

"Hn." L bowed his head. "Raito-kun has always been very protective of her."

Raito heaved a sigh. Apparently L was not so easily reassured. "I don't like her," he said, "but she's too stupid to watch out for herself and she got into this because of me, so… I feel responsible for her."

"She seems very set on having Raito-kun."

"Really?" Raito gave a sarcastic snort.

There was an uncomfortable pause when L continued to look solemn. Raito cleared his throat.

"That's too bad for her," he said finally. "I'm taken."

 _Shit_. He hadn't meant for those last two words to slip out. He snapped his mouth shut as L raised his head and stared at him.

Raito sputtered. "Oh, I mean…the case. I'm busy."

One side of L's mouth quirked up in an amused smile. "Yeah," he said. "Of course." But Raito didn't really think he believed that was what he'd meant.

Desperate to change the subject, Raito blurted out the first thing off the top of his mind. "Why do you bring that up? I thought she was easier to handle than usual today." A poor way to change the subject. He winced at himself.

L ran his thumb over his lip. "It is something I have been mulling over."

_Dammit, L. Stop doing that thing…with the thumb, and the lip…_

"…I see." Raito's voice came out a little strained. L gave him a crooked smile, reached out, and hooked his fingers around the collar of Raito's shirt, and Raito's breath hitched automatically at the look in L's eyes.

…which is how Raito ended up spending part of another night tangling the bed sheets with L instead of sleeping, even though he was already tired from others nights full of similar activities.

Later, when they were lying naked and spent under the sheets, and L was curled up against Raito's side like always, neither one of them seemed able to fall asleep, and they both stared up at the ceiling.

"Ryuuzaki," said Raito suddenly, "how old are you?"

L let out a soft chuckle that tickled Raito's skin. "I believe I will turn twenty-five next week."

"Next week?" said Raito. Then, "oh!", a soft exclamation. "That's nearly seven years older than I am."

"Does that bother Raito-kun?" L murmured.

"No. No more than anything else does."

"Good."

Misa's interview with Yotsuba was two days later. Since L had decided (and Raito agreed) that surveillance would do more harm than good, everyone except Mogi and Misa herself had stayed behind at headquarters. There wasn't much to do. Mr. Yagami was dutifully trying to work, Matsuda was pacing, Raito was idly scrolling through the list of people killed by Kira, and L was drinking over-sugared coffee and watching Matsuda pace.

"I wonder if MisaMisa is okay," said Matsuda. "Maybe we should have put microphones in the interview room or on MisaMisa herself?" He reached the end of his invisible track and turned around to walk back the other way.

L snuffled into his cup, almost giving an annoyed sigh. "We don't know what room the interview is going to be in, and if we put one on Misa, she'd be in an even more dangerous situation," he said. Raito had to admire his patience. "Besides, this is our team's undertaking, so you don't need to worry about it."

Raito stifled a grin. Maybe L wasn't so patient after all.

"That's right," said Mr. Yagami suddenly. "Matsuda, come help over here."

 _That gets Matsuda out of our hair. Good._ Raito drummed his fingers and scrolled farther down the page.

It had become his habit to study Kira's killing patterns during any lull in the investigation, ever since his incarceration. Since he'd been released, he'd been determined to prove his innocence, to prove that he was not, and never had been, Kira, for once and for all, beyond any shadow of a doubt if it were possible. Lately the urge to prove it had been growing stronger, though Raito refused to speculate why. He had noticed something disturbing: there had been a shift in Kira's pattern while he'd been behind bars. The murders had stopped for several weeks, and then they'd resumed, it had been different. Two different Kiras. He rested his chin on one hand contemplatively.

 _They're the same in terms of executing criminals, but there's a major difference… it *is* someone else…_ Well, he'd known as much. They had all deduced as much. _The Kira before my confinement and the present Kira… the present Kira is killing everybody who was reported of killing someone, but the previous Kira didn't execute people who didn't have the intention of killing or accidentally killed someone or when there were extenuating circumstances involved. For example, people who accidentally killed someone over by running them over with a car – the previous Kira didn't execute people who caused accidents unless they had done something quite malicious. But…_

Raito frowned. _Why does the old pattern feel so familiar?_ It was really quite worrisome.

_Regarding people who committed murder, there were reasons to kill them._

Excuses, excuses.

_However, Kira didn't execute them if he thought that the person who was killed was more evil. If I was Kira, I'd judge like that…_

Raito resisted the urge to shake his head wildly at the thought and stared dully at the screen. His hand twitched on the desk.

_Compared to that the present Kira seems to completely lack human emotions…_

_Human? Is that what I'm calling it now? Why am I almost defending the previous Kira?_

_No. The previous Kira and the present Kira are nothing more than mass murderers. There is no good or evil when it comes to murderers. They're all evil. I knew that before._ He sighed deeply.

 _However… the previous Kira's methodology of judging… is frighteningly close to mine… What am I thinking?_ He leaned back in his chair and shut his eyes as if he could shut out the possibility. _I'm not Kira. Something's wrong when I'm thinking about applying a Kira mask to me._

There was a churning feeling in his stomach, as if his insides had all devolved into grayish goo, and it took him a moment to identify it – nausea.

 _But… L must have noticed the difference between the previous Kira and the present Kira._ Without conscious effort, Raito's eyes slid sideways to lock on L, who was absent-mindedly licking his spoon as he worked. _Why doesn't he tell me anything about this… is it not even worth mentioning because Yagami Raito is the previous Kira?_

He found that a horrible thought to contemplate. And he had a while to contemplate it, too. They all worked in relative silence as the minutes stretched into unproductive hours.

Misa came back in good spirits, striding into the room ahead of Mogi as she lazily stretch her shoulders, greeting them all, and even teasing Matsuda more than normal. She showed him all the calls the Yotsuba group members had left on her phone, asking her out. "I just have to take them up on those offers and keep digging. It's basically how we planned it," she said, with a smile and a coy wink directed toward the back of L's head.

"That plan was apparently dropped," said L flatly, referring to the argument Raito and Mr. Yagami had made for Misa's safely while she'd been gone.

"WHAT?" Misa's cheerful attitude vanished at once. She seized L's hair and rattled his head. "Why? We've come this far, don't mess with me!"

L's eyes widened, and he managed to look calmly alarmed. "Th-that wasn't my suggestion," he stuttered.

_Don't touch him._

Raito leapt out of his chair and grabbed Misa's wrists to keep her from damaging poor L. She froze, blinking up at him.

"This method is dangerous for you," he told her, keeping his irritation in check. "I won't tell you to cancel the commercial, but from now on we're going to deny that you were suspected of being the second Kira or that you might have been restrained by L. Misa, I want you to work solely as a starlet and let Mr. Mogi guard you."

There was a pause while Misa considered this. Raito let go of her arms.

"If you want me to do that, I will," she said after a moment.

 _Wait, what?_ Her quick acquiescence caught him off guard. Raito had expected her to put up more of a fight, to whine and ran about her undying love and willingness to sacrifice herself for him.

Instead she said "Well Misa's tired and tomorrow's shoot is early, so I'm going to bed," and skipped off toward the elevator.

Raito stared after her blankly. _That was odd. What's she up to?_

At the last minute before the elevator doors closed, Misa stuck her head back out. "Raito, wanna sleep together?"

_OHDEARGODNO._

He tried to feign ignorance. "What are you saying, Misa?"

She dismissed him easily. "I know – that's after you catch Kira. You don't have to be shy, Raito." The elevator doors shut with a ding.

"Yeah, you don't have to be shy, Raito," L echoed. He took a neat, innocent sip of his coffee.

Raito tried to scowl ferociously at him, but his expression probably came off more like are-you-kidding-me. "I'm not shy." _You would know._

L missed his expression altogether. "Why are you taking this seriously, Raito-kun?" He looked sideways at Raito, gazing at him with a kind of silent affection. Raito couldn't keep his glare together.

 _No_ , he thought to himself. _It should not matter whether or not I was Kira in the past. I'm not Kira now, which means L should be safe._

But he couldn't get rid of his feeling of dread.

* * *

"Ryuuzaki. There something I want to talk to you about."

Raito faced away from L, staring out at the night city that shimmered with thousands of lights under a dark heavy sky. He could barely make out the faint reflection of L standing behind him in the glass. The only sound in their suite was the slow whoosh of the ceiling fan.

"What does Raito-kun want to say?"

Raito frowned for a moment, distracted. "Why do you always refer to me in the third person? Surely we're better acquainted than _that_."

L was silent.

"It… creates distance," he said eventually.

"'Distance'," Raito echoed, and the word left a patch of fog on the glass.

"Yes."

"You need distance?" Raito turned his head to watch L out of the corner of his eye. L was staring at the floor and rubbing one foot against his jeans.

"Hn." L shook his head slightly to himself. "Indeed, it seems I do. Raito-kun is very distracting."

Raito took a deep breath and let it out slowly. _We are emotionally compromised._

L raised his head. "This is what Raito-kun wanted to talk about?"

"No." Raito face the window again and folded his arms, watching the bright ebb and flow of traffic in the streets below. "But, Ryuuzaki, I'd prefer it if you would speak to me directly."

There was a pause. "Okay."

Raito nodded absently, his mind still on his yet-unasked question. Seconds ticked past. Finally he cleared his throat. "Ryuuzaki," he said. "Today I reviewed the list of Kira's victims. There was a disturbing pattern."

"I see."

Raito knew that L did indeed see, but he wanted him to admit it, so he pressed on further. "Have you noticed it?"

"To which pattern Raito-kun referring?"

Raito turned his head sharply. "Ryuuzaki…" he said, voice full of warning.

"I mean," L amended, "which pattern are you referring to?"

_So he's going to play dumb? Fine._

Raito turned his back to the window so that he could face L and stare him down. L watched him warily.

"While I was confined," Raito began, laying out the facts, "the killing of the criminals stopped for about two weeks. When it began again, there was a shift in the types of victims."

"Yes."

"You postulated the existence of a new Kira. Criminals were – are – being killed less exclusively. Anyone charged with killing now is punished, even if the death was an accident or the murderer had no hostile intentions. It is as if the new Kira doesn't care about what he is doing – he's just fulfilling a role without regard for morals."

 _Bastard Kira._ Raito glared off into space as he talked.

"Yes," said L again, patient. "All this we knew before."

"I'm not done," said Raito. "The Kira before seemed to have very strict guidelines for punishing criminals. He only killed people who killed others out of hostile intent, malicious people – evil people. Ryuuzaki…" Raito placed his hands on L's arms, looking into his eyes intently, and felt L tense up slightly under his hands. "The previous Kira's methodology of judging is like my own patterns of thinking."

L blinked at him. "Does Raito-kun – do you have a question?"

"You noticed it," said Raito desperately. His grip on L tightened. "You had to have noticed." How _could you not?_ "Why haven't you mentioned it? Is it because you already assume that the previous Kira was me?" Raito searched L's eyes, wanting to see denial there and finding none.

"I believe," said L slowly, "with ninety-eight percent certainty that Rai- that you were Kira."

_I knew that, I already knew that, why did I ask-_

Raito deflated. L reached up and detached his hands gently; his fingers stayed looped around Raito's wrists.

Finally, L said, "I did not think that you believed so."

"Yeah," said Raito, barely sighing, "neither did I." He scrubbed one hand over his forehead wearily. "I don't like this. If I'm the previous Kira, then I can safely assume that I made some sort of plan, and me forgetting that I was Kira is part of it."

"I have assumed as much."

"You would," said Raito with a dry smile. "I suppose you have some plan of your own."

L's eyes grew dark at that. "You know my plans," he said hollowly, shoving his hands back into his pockets.

Raito's breath caught in his throat. He wasn't sure what to say next. His cuffed hand came up and began to play with the chain connecting them, twining the chain links between his fingers.

_I just have to avoid becoming Kira again. L should be safe as long as I do. This should be easy, but… what if it isn't?_


	6. Carefully Laid Plans

"Raito, Higuchi's Kira."

At first, Raito thought Misa was just spouting nonsense as she bounced into the room, but then she pulled out her cell phone and said, "Listen to this. I secretly recorded this. Cell phones are so handy!"

She punched a few buttons on her phone and held it out. Higuchi's oily voice filled the room.

"I'll stop executing the criminals because I'm Kira and because I want your trust," it said. "And once you know that I'm Kira, we'll get married."

Misa turned off her phone, and there were a few seconds of ringing silence. Raito stared at Misa, stunned, while she smiled blissfully at him, obviously proud of herself. For some reason, she was wearing a nurse's uniform.

Of course, it was the ever-enthusiastic Matsuda who finally broke the silence. "Now if the execution of criminals stops, we know it's Higuchi… the executions the chief was worried about will stop as well. You're amazing, MisaMisa!"

"Yes," agreed Mr. Yagami less certainly.

_Oh no…_

"Misa…" groaned Raito. He glanced at L, who gave him a long sideways look from under his eyelids. "Misa, how did you get Higuchi to say this?"

Misa looked delighted that he was asking. "What? Well, he's got a huge crush on Misa, when I said 'I'd marry you if you're Kira,' he said that. And besides," she added, holding up a finger at him, "he thinks that Misa's the second Kira."

 _Oh great. She's going to get herself killed if he really is Kira and finds out she's not._ "You idiot," he said, "I thought I told you to deny that no matter what. We had agreed on 'I was restrained because I was suspected to be the second Kira, but it was a mistake'." _Plus, if he does even a preliminary investigation based on the assumption that you are the second Kira, it will lead him straight to me as the first Kira… maybe we should speak to Aiber again…just in case._

Misa wilted dramatically, turning big, sad doe eyes on him. "B-but with this we know that Higuchi's Kira, so we just have to arrest him."

 _Damn it, Misa…_ "No, if the seven of them discuss 'stopping the executions of the criminals to pull Misa, the second Kira, to our side', we won't know who Kira is… Wait…" Raito turned back to L. "If we ask Namikawa, we can tell if something like that came up before the executions stopped…"

L had his back to them all and seemed entirely absorbed in his thoughts, but he was listening to Raito at least. "You're right," he said. He began to stack sugar cubes on the edge of his coffee cup. "If Higuchi has Kira's powers, he won't tell anybody and just stop. If he doesn't, he'll have to schedule a meeting and say 'Let's stop the executions so we can pull the second Kira to our side', but I don't think Kira would respond to Higuchi's personal wishes… Well, we just need to ask Namikawa."

 _Of course, L understands perfectly_ , Raito thought in annoyance.

No one else got it, though. "But it's not necessarily guaranteed that Namikawa will speak the truth, is it?" said Mr. Yagami.

"No, we can just tell him that 'Higuchi is Kira' and he will have no choice but to stick to L's side and won't lie."

L spoke up. "In any case, if the executions of the criminals stop like this, it's certain that Higuchi has Kira's powers."

"Yeah," Raito agreed. He watched L balance sugar cubes on top of each other; there was something about the contented way he was doing it that was almost child-like. A genius mind at play.

"Yay!"

Misa's outbursts in the middle of Raito's and L's solemn contemplations were always awkward, but everyone ignored her.

So. That was it. Higuchi was probably Kira, and soon he and L would know for sure. Maybe this ordeal would be over soon. There was just one problem left, one major puzzle piece to complete the picture – what was the murder weapon?

L raised his head suddenly, staring off into space. "Mr. Matsuda," he said, "do you think that something like this is called a 'feat'?"

Matsuda stared at the back of L's head, looking flustered.

 _Stop patronizing the small minds._ Raito wanted to say it out loud – with affection and his hand brushing the top of L's head, the way he never could – but instead he fisted his hands at his sides and said, "We can't let go now, Ryuuzaki. We still don't know how the murders are done." He knew L's mind was probably already there, but one of them needed to say it out loud.

Misa gave him a puzzled look.

"That's exactly it," L responded, back to his sugar cubes. "I'd prefer finding out how Higuchi kills before capturing him."

Raito knew he would. "And if the executions of the criminals stop, we can't see how he does it, right?"

"Yes."

"What are we going to do? Misa might be killed like this."

Misa now looked seriously panicked. "What?" she stuttered. Nobody answered her.

"Misa," said L after a long moment, "how did you make Higuchi think that you're the second Kira?"

"Uh…um…" Misa fidgeted.

_That's weird…where did all her confidence and enthusiasm go?_

But then Misa brightened, and the weird moment was gone. "I said that I can kill people, and then I said 'If a guy proves that he's Kira, then Misa will prove it as well and marry him' and let my Kira worship side totally hang out. Then things progressed and Higuchi said this." She pointed at her phone cheerfully.

"Then if the criminals stop dying," said L darkly, "you'll be in trouble if you don't kill someone. Can you kill people?"

Misa's eyes widened. "Of course not," she gasped, giving L a nervous look. "But Higuchi just wants to get married to Misa, so he won't kill me."

"No," said Raito. "His number one goal is not to get married to you. If you're not the second Kira, he'll just kill you."

"Oh Raito, you're jealous of Higuchi? Don't worry, the one Misa is going to marry is you, Raito."

_She never gets it._

Raito ignored her. "This won't do," he said to L. "We can't be thinking about the killing method. Let's arrest Higuchi." He'd been a killer before – now he'd be damned if he let anyone else die because of him.

L looked at him hard out of the corners of his eye. "In order to protect Misa?"

Raito put his hands on the table and leaned in, staring a challenge at L. "That's right," he snapped fiercely. _Damn it, Ryuuzaki. Stop getting annoyed by my efforts to protect one idiot girl with a school girl crush on me._

L seemed rather ashamed. He shut his mouth and didn't meet Raito's eyes, staring away in silence while Raito looked at him. Behind them both, Raito distantly heard Misa murmur his name. "Raito…" There was a silence.

Raito sighed slightly at seeing L back down. "Misa did this because she thought we could capture Higuchi with this," he explained wearily. "It can't be helped. Besides… we might be able to find out how the killing is done after we capture Higuchi."

L paused and then popped a sugar cube in his mouth. "In any event," he said, chewing, "we can only capture Higuchi when the criminals stop dying… please let me think for a bit."

Raito watched as L contacted Wedi and asked her to plant mics in all six of Higuchi's cars.

"Okay, so I have to prep all of Higuchi's cars, right?"

"Please do that."

Misa suddenly squealed, making Raito twitch as his eardrums died a painful death. "Then all Misa has to do is meet Higuchi and have him spill how he kills people inside the car, right?"

"No!" Raito snapped at her. "If you do that he'll know that you're not the second Kira and he'll kill you. Don't do anything more, Misa."

"That's right," said L more calmly. "If Misa sees Higuchi after the criminals stop dying, he's bound to tell her to kill someone." With a wave of his hand, he toppled the tower of sugar into his coffee; for a moment the only sound was the clinking of L stirring as everyone processed what L had just said. L took a sip. "Instead of that let's create a situation where Higuchi…where Kira has to kill someone outside, where we can see it."

Strange how the slow tone of L's voice betrayed to Raito the cogs turning in his head. "You have an idea?" he said, turning to L.

"It's not like I don't have one, but there's something that keeps bugging me…" L sighed, so quietly that Raito was sure he was the only one to hear it, and his gaze, through errant strands of hair, was distant. "Raito, I'm sorry to get back to this but… well, I'll get to the point."

"What is it?"

"Do you remember how to kill?"

Raito froze. It hadn't even been twenty-four hours since he'd finally accepted – mostly accepted – the idea that he'd been Kira. _Ryuuzaki, you know I have no memories. Why are you asking?_ But Raito knew why, and he wished that L wouldn't ask – didn't have to ask. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, the feeling that he should be innocent still stuck to him, as stubbornly as the memories of being confined under L's power. _I spent days alone, bound so I could hardly move._

"You're still talking about that?" he said, angry without explanation. "I'm not Kira." _Not anymore_. "How many times do I have to repeat myself?"

L took away all the power by not looking at him. "Please answer my question," he said evenly. "Do you remember?"

Raito took a deep, deep breath and reached into his mind, down through layers of consciousness to where his memories lurked. It was like shuffling though a deck of cards that never ended, seeing only flashes of what he wasn't looking for. Misa always following him, blonde pigtails bobbing. Intense game of tennis with L. Misa, tied up head to toe. Anger at L, who snacked without caring and watched. The feeling of being trapped and bound, even before the handcuffs went on. Him and Misa and his father, in a car, one gun between the three of them. Threats. Bound wrists. Fear. And before that… before that… before… hundreds of faces, people who'd died, but… he didn't know them…

"No, I don't…"

L didn't seem surprised or disappointed. "How about you, Misa?"

"I don't remember and I'm not Kira."

Raito gave her a strange look, his mind still full of case memories – memories that included her far more often than they should.

Misa had been there the whole time. Raito knew she'd been held for being the second Kira at the same time he'd been confined, although his memories on how she'd been involved before that were hazy. He wasn't even sure whether they were technically dating (he hoped not) or how they'd met. Based on that, he had to assume that L's suspicious were correct, and Misa was the second Kira – or had been.

Was she still? Raito considered this for a moment and then dismissed it. Misa was determined, impassioned, and sometimes even a little creepy, but she was not smart enough to stay this long in the investigation and still be guilty, which meant that she, too, had lost her memories. Very well. Then Raito assumed he must have involved her in his plans. But… knowing how his own mind worked, which one of them would he have planned to get their powers back first?

"Raito, please seriously analyze and think about what I'm going to say now," said L. With an effort, Raito wrenched his thoughts out of the past and put them in the present. L was looking at him very seriously – finally, and Raito felt a sense of strange relief – which made it easy to forget Misa's obsequious involvement for the moment. "Depending on your answer, we can dare to capture Kira. Yagami Raito was Kira and Kira's power moved to another person. Now Yagami Raito does not remember being Kira. It's an analysis based on this premise. Can you think like that?"

Raito gave L a short nod and resigned himself to working as the former mass murderer. "Yeah. Let's try it."

L nodded back and began. "Yagami Raito was Kira, and Kira's power moved to another person," he repeated, and then went on. "Did it transfer because Yagami Raito willed it? Or is there someone behind Yagami Raito that granted him the power and transferred the power from Yagami Raito to another person?"

Raito wished L would stop referring to him like that.

"Which is it?"

Raito wiped his mind clear – of emotions, of ideals, of the feeling that he should be innocent – and listened to L. When L finished speaking, he processed the facts.

The real question was about the flow of power. If Raito had the option of borrowing and using – abusing – someone else's power, would he take it, knowing it was probable he'd have to either give it back or pass it on at some point?

He knew the answer to that. It was obvious.

Well, that left the only other option: he'd been a killer under his own power. Disturbing, but that fact rang true in his mind.

"With that premise," he said finally, "Yagami Raito willed it." _I am nobody's pawn._

"Yeah, that's what I thought…" said L. "If there's someone in the background that doesn't want us to find out how to kill people, then it would be weird that he'd wait until the last second to transfer the powers to someone. If he had only granted the powers and didn't watch the rest… then it's impossible for Raito's and Misa's powers to transfer with a timing like that."

"Yeah," said Raito, "if there's someone controlling it from the background, he'd have to be here in this investigation center, or it's a being that could see everything from the heavens or something. And if he can do something like that, he knows that we're discussing this right now." _Ludicrous. There'd be no hope for anything, and all our efforts would mean nothing._

L seemed to agree with Raito's unspoken thoughts. "It looks like your conclusion and mine are the same. If we accept that there's a being that can see everything from the heavens, we could never capture a being like that, and I'd either be already dead, or I'd be toyed around with forever." For a moment, L's shoulders slouched and his gaze darkened. "No… Such a being couldn't exist… Even if Yagami Raito is Kira… Kira's powers only work if the one with the powers wants it. Thanks, Raito, now I'm 99% better. We'll create a situation where Higuchi can't pass on his powers to someone else and make him show us how to kill."

"How are you going to do it?" said Mr. Yagami. L and Raito looked at each other.

And they launched themselves into planning, practically reciting the same plan at each other, each out of their own mind. They managed to drag the rest of the team along with them in the planning; their own questions or comments almost got lost in the dialogue of the two geniuses. Words flew fast.

"We can use the method you wanted to use to disclose everything on Sakura TV."

"… there's something we can do because nobody trusts Sakura TV…"

"We'll get a 3 hour slot and say at the beginning that 'we'll announce who Kira is at the end of the show'."

"We have to use someone for the TV show that Higuchi thinks he can kill. That means someone whose name he could easily look up…"

"But… who's going to take the role of someone that might get killed if things go wrong?"

"Oh it's Matsuda."

"It can only be Mr. Matsuda."

"Matsu-"

"Wee, sounds like fun!"

Namikawa would alert Higuchi to the show; Misa would be unavailable so she couldn't give up Matsuda's name. Mogi would pretend not to know or remember the name.

They had a plan.

At first it was exciting, this feeling of having set up a perfect web to catch a slippery fly. Like a spider, Raito felt coiled up, waiting, predatory, ready to spring. He was filled, pulsing, with a quiet, deadly excitement – until he realized what it meant, and then dread washed over him, ice-cold in his veins. The game they'd been playing up to this point was coming to an end, and winning the game meant reaching the end of the case – which meant being left behind by L, losing the one person who challenged him most.

And there was another worry, a question, lurking in the back of his mind; what if this is it, the point when the plan he supposedly made while he was Kira came into play? What was going to happen? What if he really couldn't avoid becoming Kira again? He wanted to believe he could do it; after all, he was Yagami Raito, who did what he wanted and was controlled by no one, but this was himself he was going up against. He could end up even more neatly caught than Higuchi, and he knew it. He wished he could be reassured by the solidity of their plans, but he knew that as a mass murderer he would have made an even more solid plan.

* * *

Over the next few days he was very quiet and reserved, weighed down by the overhanging threat of becoming Kira. For once, L lapsed into a similar mood of gloom, although in his case it was harder to tell, and it was like there were thick grey clouds following the two of them around.

The evening before they were supposed to air the "Kira special", they were both silent. L sat against the headboard on his bed and curled his knees up to his chest, as was his habit. Raito, at the other end of the chain, watched him for a moment, and then he came and knelt opposite L, placing his knees on either side of L's ankles and settling back. He folded his arms on L's knees, rested his chin on them, and stared at L. L blinked listlessly back at him.

"Tomorrow we capture Kira," Raito said after a heavy silence.

"Indeed," L agreed solemnly. "Tomorrow we will make the attempt. If we can prove that Higuchi is Kira and divest him of his murder weapon, then we will have successfully solved the case…and you will be free." L's cuffed hand twitched on the bed covers, as though he'd been thinking of raising it to shake the chain at Raito.

"Free?" Raito echoed. He frowned. That word didn't have the connotations it should. "But I won't be gone that fast. We'll still have a few loose ends to tie up, Ryuuzaki."

"That won't take long."

"True," Raito admitted. He swallowed. "And then you'll disappear. Ryuuzaki will become L again, a nameless, faceless entity looking down on everyone else." L would leave…he'd go back and do…what?

"Yes."

"Won't life be boring?" he asked, not sure if he meant because of an absence of Kira or himself.

There was a pause, a heartbeat of time, and then L answered softly, "It will be."

Raito sighed and absently rubbed at the jean fabric on L's knee. They both fell silent. Raito's shirt sleeves got bunched up along his forearms as he tightened his arms unconsciously and brooded.

The first time he'd met L, he'd been taken completely off guard when the weird kid next to him turned to him and said "I'm L." Later he'd been surprised to find out how similar their patterns of thought were. And then the suspicions, the imprisonment, the case, and somewhere along the line they'd wound up here, like this, companions…lovers. And now the journey was almost over and L was going to vanish. Somehow, L had become a vital, stable part of Raito's life.

When had this happened?

"We made a good team," Raito murmured.

"I know."

With a small smile, L leaned forward, intending to kiss Raito, but Raito turned his head at the last moment and L froze, watching Raito warily. Raito stared at him from the corner of his eye.

"Raito…"

"You're leaving…" Raito said harshly.

L lowered his head. "You will be leaving too."

"You're leaving first."

"You're leaving second," L countered.

They spent a moment with their eyes locked cautiously on each other, Raito's stubborn, L's patient, their gazes at odds. Then Raito gave a slow sigh.

"I suppose… there's no way to avoid that," he said, closing his eyes for a moment. He was backing down, he knew, but L had always been the one person with the potential to make him do that. "You couldn't stop trying to protect the world; you would never retire from that."

"No…" L agreed. "But perhaps…you could…" His voice trailed away and he looked up helplessly at the ceiling.

"Hm?"

"You are a great detective, perhaps greater than I. You directed the investigation's focus toward Yotsuba first, where we discovered Higuchi."

"What are you getting at?" Raito rolled his eyes toward L, thinking exasperatedly of the first time L had asked him to be his successor. "I'm not succeeding you; you're not going to die."

"Not succeeding me, no." L shook his head slightly, eyes still tilted upward. "I have three aliases. One person: three names known to the world. But no one knows my real name, my face, or even my voice. Any one of those aliases could easily be more than one person; no one would know, and… you would never let the name of L down."

"I… you're…" Raito realized his mouth was trying to form words on its own and quickly closed it.

"You could come with me and be a part of my team."

"Team?" He'd thought L mostly worked alone. "Who else is on the team?"

"Only Watari."

Oh. He'd been correct, then. "But I thought he didn't act under L's name."

"He doesn't," L admitted. "You would be the only other one."

Although Raito knew that L would lose nothing, he felt as if L was somehow making himself vulnerable by offering this opportunity. He smiled slightly and settled more comfortably against L's shins. "I'd like that." _That's what I wanted… and I'd never use my position against you._

"But if – when – you become Kira again…" L began.

"Ryuuzaki, stop," said Raito firmly.

"I'll die," L continued, speaking around Raito. "I don't know if…"

"Ryuuzaki!" he snapped. He was alarmed that L still considered him a threat. "Wait…" he said. "If you still think I could – would – still become Kira again, why would you offer to let me work with you on such a permanent basis?"

"I…" L's voice trailed away, and he cleared his throat. "It's…"

_Of course, from my point of view, L has nothing to lose and there's no risk, because I know I'm not Kira. But from L's point of view, he's risking his life. I'd be in the perfect position to dispose of him and simply take over everything he controls… why is he doing this?_

"This is a gamble, isn't it?" Raito demanded. "You're betting everything on the hope that I won't do it, that I won't become Kira again."

"…Yes."

"Wait." Raito sat up suddenly. "I can't believe you would do something like this without a contingency plan. What's the catch?"

"You're as sharp as ever," said L. A bit of a gleam came into his eyes; it was the same gleam that Raito noticed when L had something up his sleeve. "You're right. The catch is that I've ordered Watari to kill you if I die. So if we go down, we go down together."

Raito shut his eyes and exhaled through his nose, almost laughing, half amused, half horrified. "Of course," he said, voice low. "It's a good plan. You keep me close, use my detective skills to help your cause, and you have insurance in case I'm actually the bad guy." _And I suspect you also get to satisfy your vengeful, immature side that hates to lose._ "But Ryuuzaki, how do you know I won't end up killing you anyway?"

"I don't know that," said L. "As you said, it's a gamble. But Raito…" The gleam faded. "…when Raito-kun becomes Kira again, how long will he let me live?"

In a sudden surge of possessiveness, Raito reached out and seized L's face. "I will never," he said fiercely, kissing the corner of L's mouth, "ever," he kissed the sharp tip of his nose, "ever," he kissed the other corner of L's mouth, "become Kira again."

"Okay," said L. "Then I hope that you can avoid it."

"I will."


	7. Crisis

The morning of the 28th of October was one of those rare mornings where Raito woke up before L did. He rolled over, kicking his legs free of warm blankets, and saw L lying next to him, shadowed in the dim orangey light that seeped through the window blinds. Ordinarily, that wasn't unexpected, but Raito was pretty sure they'd fallen asleep in separate beds; when he glanced at L's vacated bed, he saw it was completely messed up.

L's face in sleep was peaceful, covered in stray tendrils of inky hair with one cheek pressed into the pillow. Looking at him, with his extreme pallor and the dark skin under his eyes, Raito thought he almost looked dead. And he still could die – if Raito became Kira again.

 _No_.

He brushed a piece of hair out of L's eye; L's skin was cool to the touch, though no more than usual. Raito shifted and curled up against L with his head on his chest until, through L's ribcage and the thin fabric of his shirt, he heard it – thud-thud-thud – the steady beat of L's heart, quieter than his own.

The next time he woke up, there was another pair of legs tangled in his own, and he had slid sideways and up so that his nose was pressed into L's neck. He pushed himself up and shook his head wearily, then realized L was already awake and watching him. Raito blinked at him and then glanced at the clock. 5:47.

They got dressed in silence, armed themselves with coffee, and were downstairs before the sun was even up. For once, they didn't immediately plug themselves into the case files. L sat hunched up against the arm of one of those mustard-colored couches, and Raito, after trying to sit calmly next to L for five minutes, chugged his coffee, stood up, and began to pace. They didn't say a word to each other. L sipped daintily at his coffee and watched Raito and didn't try to make him sit down.

There was a sort of meeting that day. Mr. Yagami showed up first; then Mogi, towing Matsuda along. Aiber and Wedi showed up, as usual, without anybody noticing; they were just suddenly there, pitching in on the conversation as if they'd been there the whole time. When they had done that, L and Raito debriefed the group on their plan and the schedule to pull it off.

"You will all have headsets that link directly back to L," said Raito, handing them out to the personnel who needed them.

"Try not to overuse them," L added dryly. Wedi smirked.

Misa wandered downstairs from her suite as everyone dispersed, and only L, Raito, and she were left at headquarters. It was quiet as they waited for everyone to get into their positions, and L began to set up the computer monitors. Misa lounged comfortable on a sofa.

"Ah, it's so boring today," she remarked, and then punctuated that remark with a yawn. Raito looked at L, who wore a bland grimace as he stared at the screens.

The silence was tense in the waiting. L set on of the monitor channels to Sakura TV, and they all watched as the program began. The announcer appeared and delivered an introduction, and then the silhouettes of Matsuda and his interviewer appeared behind their screens. About fifteen minutes in, Misa's cell phone went off.

"There he comes!" she squealed. She flipped the phone open and hit the reject button with a determined hmphf. Raito and L exchanged significant glances.

A few minutes later, Watari's voice came over the speakers. "Ryuuzaki, Higuchi just called Mr. Mogi."

"Okay, there's the next cue," said L, and he motioned to Watari over the monitor. Watari patched the audio through, and the voice of the third Kira sounded out, laced with panic.

"Mogi, where's Misa?!"

They heard Mogi clear his throat. "Ah, Mr. Higuchi, thank you for your support. It's Misa's day off after a long time so she's out. I think she'll be back tomorrow morning…"

"I asked you where she went!" Voice rising, Higuchi was getting angry. Raito twitched.

"Well she said it's private and didn't want anyone to know. I'm terribly sorry, I think that you can reach her tomorrow."

There was a pause and the sound of heavy breathing, presumably coming from Higuchi. Misa giggled.

"Is Misa's ex-manager an ex-talent?"

Mogi managed to sound passably surprised. "Pardon me?"

Sitting next to L, Raito listened to Higuchi and bit down hard on his lip once. _This is going too well – too close to what we predicted. Maybe… I'm not sure I want to find out what happens when we catch him._

Higuchi continued. "His name was Taro Matsui, right?"

"Uh… I came in as his replacement so I'm afraid I… you should probably ask the office about those issues… oh, but they're all on Okinawa right now… would you mind calling our president?" Mogi was a decent actor.

It was going well – too well. If Higuchi continued the way they wanted him to, they'd have hardly any trouble. Raito had a strange unbidden thought: he didn't want to catch Higuchi. _He's doing a good thing by killing murderers – and if we lose him, L and I would continue to work together a while longer._

What a foolish thought to have; he'd be able to keep working with L anyway, if he chose. That wasn't the reason his head was buzzing and his neck hurt.

If they failed to capture Higuchi, it was a near-certainty that Raito would not become Kira. Everything was going according to plan, which made him afraid that it was also going according to the invisible plan – the one he'd made when he was Kira.

His insecurities voiced themselves. "It's almost scary how well we predicted this," he said quietly to L.

"Raito." L cast him a sideways glance – he looked calm. "Let's be happy instead of being scared."

Raito looked away, back at the screen. He had the feeling L knew why he'd said that.

Watari's voice came over the speaker again. "I'll relay Higuchi to Yoshida Productions' President."

"This is Yotsuba's Higuchi. That Taro Matsui guy, that wasn't his real name was it?!"

"Higuchi's questions get more and more to the point," said Misa with a cackle.

Raito disliked that cackle. It made him uneasy.

"It's proof that he's losing his cool," L said confidently.

Yoshida's president led Higuchi on for a few minutes, making him angrier and angrier, and then told Higuchi how to find the name himself and hung up. A few minutes later, Wedi called in to say that Higuchi was leaving in his car.

"Confirmed target Higuchi. He's only got a bag on him. Engaging in pursuit."

Raito put his hand on the back of L's chair. "Up until now," he said, "it was just like we predicted it."

"Yes…" said L slowly. He toggled the screens and brought up the cameras in Higuchi's car. On the other screen, Matsuda was still going on with his interview; Raito could see it on the miniature TV in Higuchi's car as well.

"As I thought, Higuchi is still watching the TV while he drives," he murmured.

For a few moments, there was silence except for the quiet buzz of the interview, echoed on the speaker from Higuchi's car. L and Raito both had their eyes glued to the image of Higuchi, whose gaze flickered between the road and the TV as he drove frantically. Misa watched quietly as well.

"Rem," said Higuchi suddenly, breaking the silence. Misa jumped. "What is your opinion?"

"Rem?" echoed Raito. "Who is Rem? He went into the car alone and it doesn't look as if someone else is in that car with him. He isn't using his mobile either…" His hand of L's chair tightened. "Is he using a radio to communicate with someone?" _What's going on? Is he crazy? Was I crazy?_

"No," said L. "There is no radio fixed inside of that car, just the camera and the bug we set up. We can trust Wedi on that…"

Higuchi was speaking, seemingly to himself, again. "Do you think there will be a CV in the office of Yoshida Agency?"

There was a pause – no answer to Higuchi's question that they could hear.

 _What if I was crazy?_ "Is he talking to himself?" Raito stared, bewildered, at the screen.

Higuchi began to ramble. "If he really knows what he is doing, then he must have deleted all the articles that might contain his real name before going on TV… and Yoshida Agency allowing me to enter their office and have a look at the CV, isn't that kind of careless? Well… I guess if I'm the only one who enters the place then if anything gets stolen it can only be me..."

"He will go," said L to Raito. Then he said, more quietly to himself, "I'm certain," almost as an afterthought. Raito watched him for a long moment.

_What is he thinking? He must also be considering insanity…_

Raito turned his head, watching the way Higuchi spoke to himself, asking questions and then falling silent as if listening to an answer. _Is it some form of schizophrenia that now lies dormant in myself which causes delusions of godhood?_ No, that didn't make sense; Higuchi didn't seem to suffer from the same god complex that the first Kira had. _And we still don't know how I – no, how Kira – passed the power on._

Raito was watching Higuchi with so much focus, he paid hardly any attention to L or Misa. The strange thing was that after Higuchi paused, he would start speaking again as if someone or something _had_ answered him. _Is it that Kira's powers cause hallucinations? Is he listening to a figment of his imagination?_ "No," said Raito ponderously. "He cannot be talking to himself… who is Rem? Who is he having this conversation with?"

"If he is having a conversation there, then he is talking to… a shinigami." L paused to let his statement sink in, and Misa let out a frightened squeak. Raito stared at L. _A shinigami? That can't be possible! …no, it sort of makes sense. L must be considering all the possibilities in light of the facts._

L, whom Raito was still staring at, peeled a banana. "Maybe?" he said, and took a bit. Raito blinked at him and then realized that he was staring back… staring and eating that banana very slowly. Raito felt his face heat up. He just knew L was doing that on purpose. Misa was giving L a strange look, a mixture of panic, consternation, and incredulity, and Raito decided that if he lived through the day as an innocent detective, he was going to have…words…with L. _What kind of banana needs sucking on anyway?_

He was distracted from his thoughts by the loud ringing of Misa's cell phone.

"Whoa, calling me again!" Misa said. She snatched her phone off the table and rejected the call.

"He's almost reached the Yoshida Agency Office," said Raito, stubbornly keeping a frantic note from creeping into his voice.

L glanced at him but didn't comment on his tense voice. He shifted slightly, leaning forward toward the screen. "Now the crucial moment comes," he muttered. Then more loudly, "All screen panels show the cameras at the Yoshida Agency Office."

"Ryuuzaki," Mogi's hushed voiced came over the speaker somewhat garbled. "We can sieze Higuchi at any moment, we are standing by and waiting for your instruction."

"Yes," said L vaguely.

With his gaze glued to Higuchi, Raito breathed in and out slowly, focused. The Yoshida Productions building was abandoned, as L and Raito had planned, the windows dark and reflective as Higuchi stalked toward the door and angrily punched in the access code. The inside was dim and quiet. Higuchi clicked on the lights, revealing rows and rows of empty cubicles. His footsteps echoed faintly throughout the office as he paced to the back and knelt in front of one desk. His fingers flicked through manila tabs until he seized one folder and pulled it out, laying it open across the drawer. Then from his bag he withdrew a thin black notebook with flexible pages.

Without realizing it, Raito had stood up and was gripping the table. _Now_ , he thought, _show me how you kill. Show me how it works._

But Higuchi only made a note of the name from the falsified file, and then he simply put everything neatly back and walked back out of the office.

Questions filled Raito's mind with a restless buzzing. _What's Higuchi's plan? Why is he not doing anything?_ He narrowed his eyes at Higuchi's image getting back into his car. His hands tightened on the table. _Is the shinigami still there?_ "No," Raito murmured, confused. "He only made a note of the name and now he's leaving the room…" He looked at L. "Is he not going to kill in the office?"

L didn't answer. He seemed to be too busy staring intently at the monitor.

Mogi's voice, no longer hushed, sounded again. "Ryuuzaki! Shall we go for him?"

"We haven't seen his method of murder yet," said L, and Raito saw his mouth tighten in frustration. "He might do something once he is inside his car. If we observe something on the camera inside the car then we will go for him. Until then, please monitor his movements, Wedi."

"Higuchi must be really desperate to kill Matsuda right now," said Raito, looking back at the screen. "It is strange that he is acting so calmly…" His voice trailed off as he wrinkled his brow. There was something eerily familiar in the actions Higuchi had just taken, something in the fluidic way Higuchi had written the name that resonated within Raito…but he still didn't understand. _Why is he so calm?_

"I agree," said L, frowning. "If he needs to know the name then he could've taken then CV out of the office and taken it with him, but instead he placed it back inside the drawer." He ran his thumb over his lip and they fell silent, waiting for Higuchi to do something.

The silence was shattered by a shriek, and L's head jerked up. It was Higuchi. "DAMN IT, WHY DOESN'T HE DIE?!"

Raito's skin crawled. "What does he mean by that? He just said 'why doesn't he die?!'" He turned to L, tamping down his panic.

L's eyes reflected his consternation. "It means," he said lowly, "that he has already used his method to kill. He did so either while he was getting out of the office and into the car… or is writing the name down itself the method to kill…?"

Raito didn't like the sound of that. "Ryuuzaki," he pressed, "what are we going to do? Are we still following his moves? This can only mean that he is capable of killing just by knowing a person's face and name and wishing for death."

L turned to him. "Matsuda-san is still alive…" They frowned at each other.

"Damn it!" Higuchi swore loudly through the speaker. "I have no time left!"

Raito turned his head to look at the screen. "He got his mobile out."

"He's calling Misa-san again."

"Bingo!" Misa rejected the call.

On-screen, Higuchi seemed defeated. He lowered his phone slowly, staring off into space with a livid expression. "Rem," he growled, "time for the deal."

 _Rem? Is that the name of his hallucination?_ "The deal?" Raito gasped. "What is he talking about, and what is this Rem he's been mentioning?" _Maybe…maybe L's right, and it's a shinigami_. "Can the ability of Kira really be a godsend?"

"I don't like to think that way," said L darkly. Higuchi began to drive off.

"Then what is Rem?" asked Raito, eyes on the screen.

"A shinigami?" L shrugged his shoulders lightly. "Anyway, it's too soon to draw a conclusion. It looks like there are things yet to come and we might get to find out his method to kill."

Raito sighed and nodded slowly. Higuchi looked desperate, driving at breakneck speed. Flashing lights appeared in his rear window.

Wedi's voice came over the speaker. "Ouch, a traffic cop got him. I'll sail by and leave him to you, Aiber."

_Now he's stuck and running out of time. What's he going to do?_

Higuchi looked nervous, fumbling with his bag as the policeman stood at his window. "Now, where did I place my license?" His mouth stretched wide in a horrible travesty of a calm, friendly smile.

_The policeman hasn't said his name, so Higuchi shouldn't be able to kill him._

"Hey!" The policeman jumped back as Higuchi slammed his foot on the gas pedal and sped off.

"Higuchi shook off the cop and ran away," said Mogi. Then there was the sound of squealing tires and somebody yelled. Mogi spoke again, voice shaking slightly. "R…Ryuuzaki…the police vehicle just ran into a lorry…and crashed!"

"Crashed…" Raito repeated. _Impossible. Is the police man dead? Higuchi isn't supposed to be able to kill without a name…_ "An accident?" he suggested.

"Not good." L's voice was tense, and it confirmed Raito's thoughts.

 _Higuchi must have somehow gained the ability of the second Kira – to kill only knowing a face. But when?_ "Rem…" said Raito. "The deal…" _If Rem is a shinigami as Ryuuzaki suggested, he could have made a deal with it and gained the power without making any suspicious moves._

Raito looked at L and wished L would look at him. He had a horrible feeling, a sort of hot, suffocating feeling all over his skin that made it hard to breath. It was like he couldn't get enough oxygen no matter how much he had, though he wasn't even breathing hard.

L grabbed his microphone suddenly. "Everyone, I've decided that it is now dangerous to let Higuchi move any longer," he announced, "and although we haven't established his method of killing, assuming that he currently possesses sufficient evidence on him, we are taking our next step and will capture Higuchi. However, we are assuming that Higuchi now had the same ability as the second Kira and can kill just by looking at faces. That is our premise."

Raito tried to swallow back his alarm. _Ryuuzaki, no._ He tightened his grip on the table and wished that they could stay at headquarters alone, and let everyone else handle Higuchi…but he knew better.

 _I am Yagami Raito_ , he told himself. _I can handle it._ He took a deep breath.

L contacted the police and warned them to stay away from Higuchi's car while Raito contacted his father and updated him. "After the next break, we will shift into the seventh scheme," he said.

"Got it."

Finally, L turned to Raito. "Well, Yagami-kun," he said seriously, rising from his chair in one fluid movement. "Shall we make our move too?"

Raito swallowed and gave L a grim look. L's eyes betrayed nothing. "Yeah," said Raito.

"Awfully sorry Misa-san," said L. He reached over and snapped a pair of cuffs around her wrists before she could even blink at him. "But I need to leave you here immobilized."

"What?!" she shrieked. "What is this?! You better be kidding…" Angrily, she rattled the cuffs, trying to jerk her hands apart, but it was wasted energy.

Raito had the sudden, hysterical urge to giggle, which made him realize how internally unstable he was at that moment. He could tell that Misa was getting seriously annoyed at L, though, so instead he merely said, "Misa, be a good girl" while L set her on his chair and proceeded to chain her to it.

"Okay…" she relented. Then, as he and L headed for the elevator, she called, "Be careful Raito, and Ryuuzaki-san, too…" which was rather generous of her, since she'd just been wrapped in chains as securely as a mummy.

"Thanks, Misa," said Raito, and he meant it. He intended to be careful, and he intended for Ryuuzaki to as well.

"If by any chance we do not return within the next twenty-four hours, somebody will come here and release you," L called back to her without even looking over his shoulder, and Raito had the strange urge to laugh again. Especially, since Misa didn't seem to have anything to say to that.

Watari met them on the rood with a helicopter. L slid into the pilot's seat and, with apparent ease, guided the craft off the roof.

"I would've never guessed that you could even pilot a helicopter, Ryuuzaki." _Ryuuzaki – always so much mystery, that even now, after all this time we've spent together, I'm still learning about you._

"You don't need a license to fly this thing," said L, playing the controls smoothly. "Just play with your intuition and without knowing it, you will be flying." A corner of L's mouth twitched up. "You can do it too, Raito-kun."

Raito turned to look out the window, down at the city lights swirling below them. _I don't even know his real name,_ he thought, and he swallowed thickly. _What if I never find out?_

It felt like a long ride. The lights and buildings passing below them; it all felt two-dimensional, like life was a movie he was watching, and he was the only thing that was real, he and the boy sitting next to him. It all blurred before his eyes and became insignificant.

He pressed one hand against the cold glass, looking out; the city was aglow, illuminated by light in apartments, offices, restaurants, street lamps, lighting up the people. As he watched them, it almost seemed like each light was a person. Raito sat in the darkened helicopter, without a light. He was apart from them. _What is the life of one could-be murderer worth weighed against all the lives of the innocent people of a whole world?_

Mogi's voice crackled over the headset suddenly. "Sorry Ryuuzaki, he got out," he said. "Higuchi has a gun on him; chief got shot and Higuchi escaped."

"I'm all right," said Mr. Yagami's voice, though he sounded out of breath. "Sorry, Ryuuzaki…it's just a scratch. If we go after him quickly we will get him. Hurry!"

"This is not good," said Raito, listening to the chaos over their radios. "He got out of Sakura TV."

L sighed. "In that case, we have to get a move on ourselves. Are we ready to go after him, Watari?"

"Yes."

"Do you feel capable of shooting, Raito-kun?" L was looking at him. Raito pressed his lips together and was about to shake his head when L held the gun out, staring him down stubbornly. "Have it anyway. To protect yourself. It's Kira we are going after."

"No…" said Raito. _I might be Kira too, soon_. "That is not permitted in Japan."

Slowly, L lowered the gun. "I suppose Yagami-san said the same thing…"

They were coming up on Higuchi's car, streaking down the roadways in a blur of red, but up ahead there was a mass of flashing lights, blue, red, and white, of many police cars all crammed together. Higuchi swerved, tires screeching across the pavement, and skidded to a halt. There was a tiny smirk on L's face as he neatly set the helicopter down on the pavement behind him. Watari levelled his gun and shot out Higuchi's front tire.

There was a flurry of motion and then Higuchi had a gun in his hand. He pointed it at his own head.

"Stay away!" he screamed, words barely audible over the cacophony of the police force. "Nobody come near me!"

"Not good."

L made a noise in his throat. "What an idiot," he said disdainfully.

BOOM

Raito nearly had a heart attack at the sound of a gun going off behind him, and Higuchi's gun was blasted out of his hand. Raito's fingers curled tightly around the thing in his own hand; he glanced down and saw that he'd grabbed L's arm, wrinkling his sleeve. L looked down at Raito's hand, and then blinked at Raito.

Raito looked at L – L, who was so quiet, whose voice was always dry, who was all thin cheeks and pale lips, who often tasted of sugar.

"This is it," Raito said finally. He began to let go, but L slipped his hand down and interlocked their fingers. Where the membranes of their skin touched between their knuckles, Raito could feel a pulse, but he couldn't tell whether it was his or L's. Maybe it was both of their pulses in sync.

"Yes…" said L uncertainly. "…it has ended…"

There was so much Raito had let himself learn about L in the two weeks since that first night. Raito had learned his solemnity, the way he analyzed everything. He'd learned the subtle moods of his face, and the smile he always kept tucked away in the corners of his mouth. He'd learned the point L's nose came to. He'd learned the pieces of hair in his face, his slender pianist's fingers, the slouch of his thin shoulders; his low, droll, dry, disinterested voice.

He'd more than learned...

Raito's train of thought was interrupted suddenly by the crackling of their radios.

"Ryuuzaki," said Mr. Yagami's voice, "let me go."

There was a moment of silence, and L slid their hands apart. Raito wasn't sure if he was glad or not about being interrupted, but he missed the reassurance as soon as it was gone.

"Director, I will go as well," said Mogi.

L spoke into the mic. "I understand. Yagami-san, Mogi-san, your opponent is Kira. Do not show him your face no matter what. Restrain him using the utmost caution. Watari, you know what to do if Higuchi makes even the slightest move, right?"

"Yes," said Watari calmly. "Immobilize him without killing him."

Mogi and Mr. Yagami donned their reflective helmets and threaded their way through the blockade toward Higuchi. Raito watched as Higuchi slowly stepped out the car, hands raised. He was cuffed, blindfolded, and gagged, all precautions to keep him from targeting anyone else.

"Ryuuzaki, we have secured Higuchi."

 _We've got him. We have Kira, right in front of us. He's. Right. There._ Raito couldn't tear his eyes away from the man, from where he knelt, hunched over with his hands – _those are a murder's hands_ – cuffed behind his back. "Mogi-san," said Raito tensely, "please give Higuchi the headset as planned."

Mogi placed the headset over Higuchi's ears.

"Higuchi," said L. "How have you been killing people? As Kira, how do you kill people?! Answer!" he demanded into his mic. He glanced at Raito, who looked back and grimaced slightly. L gave a short nod and poured himself a cup of coffee from a thermos. "If you refuse to tell us, then we will employ every means we have until you comply," he said simply.

They could both hear Higuchi breathing heavily. "…It's…a notebook…" he said finally.

"Notebook?"

"You probably won't believe me," said Higuchi heavily, "but it's a notebook where if you write in it the name of a person whose face you know, then…that person will die."

 _Was that how I did it, too?_ Raito frowned. _Did he get the notebook from me?_

"It's in the bag inside my car," said Higuchi in a voice of utter defeat. His head was bowed.

L sent Mr. Yagami to check for it. Mr. Yagami pulled out the bag and dumped it on the pavement. "Ryuuzaki, the notebook is here but it's not anything special. It's true that there are people's names written in here – AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH HHH!"

With a jerk, Mr. Yagami screamed and fell backward onto the road, groping frantically in his jacket for his gun. Raito was frozen, unable to take his eyes away from what was going on in front of him.

"Yagami-san, Please calm down," said L. "Yagami-san, you don't have a gun on you right now."

"That's…that's…true…" he panted.

Mogi bent down to help him up. "Are you alright, director?"

"M…Mogi, can't you see it…?" Mr. Yagami's shaking voice was right in Raito's ear. He was pointing with a shaking finger to an area by Higuchi's abandoned car. Raito couldn't see anything there. _What's going on? What's he pointing at?_

"Director…you must be tired, but Higuchi is caught now, so – GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

 _No. Not him too._ "What's wrong? Father? Mogi-san?" _Damn it, why isn't Ryuuzaki saying anything?_

Mr. Yagami spoke instead. "It…it appears," he said breathlessly, "that anyone who touches the notebook…can see it. This monster."

"Please bring the notebook to the helicopter," said L levelly. Raito stared at him. He didn't know what to think. It made sense, but every part of him rebelled at the idea. He didn't want to see it. He didn't want to get any closer to what was happening.

But they brought the notebook.

L took it, dangling it from his fingers in that weird way of his, and froze. He turned his head, staring off into space toward that same spot that Mr. Yagami had been pointing at.

"Indeed," he murmured. "A shinigami. It really…exists…" His voice trailed away.

"Ryuuzaki, is it true?!" Raito cried. "Let me see that!" He couldn't help himself. Almost before he could think about it, his arms had moved. He reached out and snatched the slender black book from L's hands.

 _No_.

He froze, hands curled around the notebook, his grip painfully tight as something shot through him and took over his mind. Everything was crashing over him, so fast it hurt, a flood of images pounding at his mind, colors, feelings, ideas, plans, names, stop it stop itstopit.

-THUD-THUD-THUD-

Misa, showing up at his house unexpectedly, apparently having stalked him. A bead of sweat rolling down L's neck, over the hollow of his collarbone. Apples, lots and lots of apples. A tiny TV in a bag of chips. The fake date with Yuri.

-THUD-THUD-THUD-

L's voice, taunting him, asking for death, saying that he would find Kira. Naomi Misora. Raye Penber. Threats from the monster he stared at now – Rem. Her name was Rem, Misa's guardian. Misa was the only human she cared for, he remembered that.

-THUD-THUD-THUD-

Ryuk was there, too. Had been there. Where was he now? Apples. Dry pages, special pen, trap in a drawer. Names, names, names. Nakaokaji Matsushiro. Lind L. Tailor. Otoharada Kuro.

-THUD-THUD-THUD-

The sweltering classroom on the day he'd seen a thin black notebook fall from the sky.

-THUD-THUD-THUD-

_It was cool enough that morning that he was wearing a sweatshirt, and damp leaves underfoot left a musty smell in the air. Moisture was still seeping from the trees from last night's rain. The notebook was smooth in his hands. He handed it off to Rem with a dark look._

" _Rem, give that note to a person who is reasonably high in an organization's ladder with a greed for promotion and a mind to use the death note to fulfil it. However, you need to approach with a deal. Tell him that he needs to take over the punishing of criminals, and give the note to the person who accepts the condition."_

_Rem looked balefully down at the note clutched in her claws. Raito could tell she wasn't really sure._

" _If you do that, I guarantee that Misa will be released," he said evenly. "If she does not get released after a few years, then go ahead and kill me. How about that?"_

_Rem's slit pupils flickered from the note to Raito. "…fine by me," she said slowly. "…but…why this note?" Her grip on the note tightened._

" _Because that note has the 'how to use' guide that Ryuk has written in English, and I also thought that you might object to the idea of passing Misa's note to somebody else, in case somehow it traces back to Misa. And I removed all of my fingerprints and my writings from that note, so that no one can possibly trace back to me or Misa from that note."_

" _Makes sense," said Ryuk. Rem still looked uncertain._

" _To help Misa," Raito reassured, barely truthful. "This is the only way. Be very careful with the person you choose. A person with a good standing position, who will use the note for his own promotion and to make money. But do it within a month. The longer you hold on to the note, the longer Misa stays imprisoned."_

" _I see," said Rem finally. "Yagami Raito, I understand that you are desperate, too. Misa's imprisonment is a potential threat to you as well. I shall do what you have asked of me."_

_Rem turned, stretched out her wings, and flapped laboriously off. Raito and Ryuk watched as she grew smaller and smaller until she vanished into the overcast sky._

_Raito turned away. "Now Rem has no choice but to stay with the new owner of that note."_

_Ryuk looked blank, so Raito elaborated. "Suppose that Rem has a hunch that I'm planning to get that note back for myself – she won't be able to find out beyond that or do anything about it."_

"… _I see," Ryuk grunted. "That note I've given to you just now… I'm assuming that you are planning on dumping it somewhere, since you told me to say goodbye. But by touching that note, both you and Amane Misa can regain memory."_

" _No…" said Raito. "This note will be picked up by Misa… and when that happens, it will be Ryuk by her side and not Rem. I will set this up so that I will be imprisoned just like Misa, and will be under watch twenty-four hours a day. Since Ryuuzaki has his suspicion set on me solidly, he won't say no. While I'm imprisoned, I will forfeit the ownership of the note and erase all my memory regarding it. That way, neither Misa nor I will reveal any evidence. Without the notes and without our memories, there is no way we will give out evidence. At the moment, the investigation team consists not only of Ryuuzaki, but my father and the other members also. If criminals start being punished again while we are imprisoned, Ryuuzaki will eventually have no choice but to release us."_

_Ryuk's gravelly voice came from behind him. "I guess you are right," he said with a guffaw. "…but even if you two get released, I highly doubt that Ryuuzaki will free you two. Besides, without your memory you won't be able to get back to the note."_

" _No," Raito agreed. "You see, even you believe that though Ryuuzaki might end our imprisonment, he won't stop keeping watch over our moves, and I will be taking advantage of that."_

_Ryuk gave a low groan – more of a growl – that meant he didn't understand._

" _What kind of action will I take once I get imprisoned and lost my memory about the death note?" Raito said. "I considered this very carefully. I will most definitely try to capture Kira. I would've done so even if I wasn't Kira to start with." Raito smirked to himself. "I'm that kind of a person. And if I find myself caught as Kira based on an erroneous assumption… I will try to capture Kira no matter what. Which means L and I will be going after Kira at once, and L will watch me chasing Kira… it's not hard to see what will happen next…"_

THUD. THUD. THUD.

The world – reality – fractured, fell apart, and was put back together, with L in the wrong place.

**Just as planned. All that's left is to kill Higuchi without letting go of the notebook, or writing his name in the notebook. If I do that, then control will pass on to me and the memories won't disappear.**

There was something rushing past, a sound in his ears; it was the sound of someone screaming, and a moment later he realized that it was spilling from his own gaping mouth. L jerked around to stare at him, alarm and concern written in his eyes, and Raito shut his mouth and hunched over, feeling the massive weight in his head.

 _What have I done?_ _**Oh god, what have I done?**_

"…a…a-are you alright?" L asked, and there it was, that rare, adorable stutter that meant someone had done something to unsettle him.

_No, I'm not, HELP ME-_

**Better than ever, Ryuuzaki-kun.**

"Though if anyone saw that monster they would be surprised-" L sounded vaguely like he was trying to be reassuring, but it barely registered to Raito. The notebook in his hands was smooth, cool – like he remembered – and heavier than it looked.

_**I've miscalculated.**_

"If you write someone's name into something like this, people will die…" Raito said heavily. "Can you believe that?"

**Ryuuzaki will die when we are together, without me even touching this murderer's tool.** _No, L must not die! I told him he wouldn't._

"…what?" said L, taken aback. "I… it's hard to believe, but… there's no way that we can…test it…" L gave Raito one last puzzled look and said something else. Raito wasn't really listening, though. There was a war going on in his head, a painful clash of ideas.

He, Kira – he, Raito – was the protector of the innocent. With the power of life and death in his hands, at his fingertips, he was the god of a new world. He was justice. It could be a perfect world – should be – would be if they followed him.

But L was in the way.

 _What am I going to do?_ **L will never know.** _I have to think_. **Ignorant.** _I mustn't rush this… but now, **when I have the notebook in my hand… now is the only chance.**_

Raito was lost, frozen with his hands glued to the note, mind flying fast, unsure of what to do. He needed time. Time to think. The case. Of course, the case, the next logical step is…

"…Ryuuzaki, first let's match the names written here with the names of the victims…" he heard himself saying, and then realized that his mouth had moved on its own. Automatically, he turned away, checking the names, but he didn't really need to. He knew they matched.

"Ryuuzaki, I'm only on the first page but the names on the note and the names of the victims match… shall we check them all just to make sure?"

"Yes."

_I'm Kira._ **I'm Kira.** _No, this can't be happening. I promised L I wouldn't._

But it was happening, and he didn't know what to do.

He could put the notebook down. He'd already won, already proven he could get it all back despite L. He could turn to L and hand the note off, say "here, Ryuuzaki, look at this," and forget everything again. It would be simple, easy. All he'd have to do was say "Ryuuzaki, you handle the note," and things would go back to the way they had been. But…

…but the world would still be lost.

He tried to force himself to turn and hold out the note, but his arms were too stiff and heavy. He wanted to say something, but his throat ached and closed up tightly. His body wouldn't obey.

Dark men lurked in dark alleys, caressing weapons – people who lied, cheated, stole, and gave others pain. Concrete stained with crimson, dark walls spattered with it. Hands covered in blood, liquid seeping into the crevices of the skin. Sinners, all of them, and no sinner shall go unpunished.

But L protected these sinners.

_There has to be another way. No…_ **Everything was arranged before I lost my memory.**

Could he protect the world and protect L at the same time, protecting the world from monsters and L from himself? Could he finish the case, wrap it up, go with L, and still keep everything a secret while keeping L alive?

It all came down to this moment. The note was in his hands with his memories, the pin and the piece of the death note hidden in his watch, and for a moment he knew everything that was going on. The choice should have been easy, but he was completely torn.

"…but with such a monster in front of our eyes, you still managed to stay collected and thought of checking the names on the victims list," L was saying in absent wonder.

Would he turn away, hand L the note, and stay Raito, or would he open the watch, write down the name, and become Kira?

"Raito-kun, you are amazing."

Raito's hand on the death note twitched.


	8. Shadows

Raito's father had wanted to see the case all the way through, so he went with the police officers to escort Higuchi to the station, mentioning things like "duty" and "responsibility". This meant that Watari took only Raito and L back to headquarters, where they found a very annoyed Misa still tied to her chair.

"It seems we have all survived, Misa," L greeted her.

Misa whined a lot, and once L had released her, she stalked off to her suite, sparing Raito one glance over her shoulder as she left. Raito turned away. He and L looked at one another, and Raito smiled.

"Raito…" L began. He looked like he wanted to ask Raito something, but then swallowed and seemed to change his mind. "It's late."

"Yeah," Raito agreed. "I might as well stay here tonight." He started up the stairs, towing L along.

Upstairs, they stood at the foot of their beds and L finally unclasped both handcuffs. The chain dropped to the floor with a jingle and laid still.

"There," said L flatly. "Raito-kun is free." He shoved his hands in his pockets and began to back away, but Raito grabbed him by the shirt and held him.

"Ryuuzaki," he said. "I wanted to talk to you about something."

"What is it?"

"I've decided I want to stay on and work with you as the second L."

L jerked his face up, eyes wide, and stared at Ratio. His lips parted. "Then…" he said. He took a deep breath and licked his lips. "I can…keep you?"

Raito felt an irrepressible smile creeping over his face. He threw his free arm around L's neck and pulled him close so that he could wind his other arm around his waist, holding him tightly. He felt L's hands on his back, tentative at first, then hard and desperate.

"Yeah," said Raito quietly. "You can keep me."

Raito's hands drifted across L's waist, fingertips brushing over the waistband of his jeans, crossing smooth skin until they encountered a startlingly warm wetness. It was slick, and his fingers slipped for a moment. Confused, he pulled back and looked down.

A dark stain was spreading down across the front of L's shirt, spilling from the place where his heart was. In light, he imagined it would be a brilliant red, but here, in this half-lit twilight world they were standing in, it was merely an inky black splash against a world of greys.

"Ryuuzaki…" he said in a low, urgent voice.

L didn't seem surprised; in fact, he seemed calm. He stepped back and peeled off his shirt in one elegant motion. Raito pressed a hand carefully to his chest, slicking over the pectoral with the blood, but he couldn't find a wound, while L stood dangling his arms by his sides. The skin was smooth, completely unharmed. Puzzled, he looked to L for the answers.

L smiled. Taking Raito's wrists gently, he pressed his hand more heavily against his torso. When blood mysteriously began to well up around the tips of his splayed fingers, Raito tried to pull away, but L shushed him and held his hand firm and still.

Casually, L hooked his hands under his lower ribs and opened his ribcage, revealing a jigsaw of internal organs intertwined. He took Raito's hand and drew it toward sensually one beating organ.

Raito's gaze was fixed hungrily on it. When L let him go, he reached out. He threaded his fingers through the flesh, encasing L's heart, and pulled it out slowly. Veins and arteries loosely detached themselves and fell away. It fit comfortably in his hand, smaller than he would have expected a heart to be – or perhaps not, since this one belonged to Ryuuzaki.

The heart quivered. With a soft sigh, L closed his eyes and dropped to the floor like a puppet with its strings cut. Raito barely glanced at him.

The liquid pouring from the heart valves and streaming over his palm was dark, thin, and cool. Raito dipped a finger in it – ink, not blood. With a cool shrug, he raised it to his mouth and sunk his teeth in.

* * *

There was no half-world. One moment he was deeply asleep; the next, his eyes flew open and he was wide awake. He lay still for a moment, staring at the ceiling and listening to the silence.

_**Strange dreams.** _

He sat up quietly and glanced over at the other bed. L was curled up there among his tangled sheets, the only visible part of him his hair which stuck out under the edge of his blankets.

_He's alive._

Raito lay back down and rolled over on his side, smirking to himself.

 **Higuchi is gone;** _**the odds that Ryuuzaki will go the same way are…**_

But there his mind skittered to a halt, thoughts fumbling like a record when it skipped. He scowled to himself and ran a hand over his face, the dream images still drifting before his eyes.

 _ **What's wrong with me?**_ He curled up away from L, as if afraid that L would see him. **It's just stress from all the new events in the case…the dreams mean nothing.** _Ryuuzaki will be safe._ **No. His death is necessary, and I will not concern myself with him.**

With a sigh, Raito buried his head under his pillow and ordered himself to sleep.

**Sleep now. The case and the world will be dealt with later.**

* * *

Misa behaved rather dramatically about being released from headquarters.

"Raito," she whimpered, throwing herself into his arms. She didn't seem to have anything to say. In fact, she seemed disappointed altogether with the proceedings.

Raito put his arms cursorily around her and watched the task force from the corner of his eye. Matsuda was sniffling pathetically at Misa's departure, while L watched with a critical gaze.

"C'mon Matsuda," said Aizawa, giving the man's collar an irritated tug. "We should leave these two alone."

"Yeah," sighed Matsuda. "You're right…"

The task force filed back into the elevator; when L didn't immediately follow, Mr. Yagami turned back. "Ryuuzaki…?"

"Yes…" said L rather restlessly, eyes on Raito. "I'll…well…"

Raito motioned with his eyes for L to get in the elevator, and then, when L hesitated, he turned his face away and pointedly pressed a kiss to the top of Misa's head.

"You have to come and visit me," Misa insisted.

"Misa…" he said, softly but not so softly that L couldn't hear. As she looked up at him and smiled, Raito heard a tell-tale shuffling and the sound of the elevator doors sliding shut. He glanced back over his shoulder to double check – L was gone. He sighed gratefully; it was easier to think without those omniscient eyes watching him.

He took Misa by the shoulders. "You have done very well, Misa. Now, I want you to find something for me. I'm going to give you instructions: listen carefully…"

* * *

"Raito-kun has been acting differently ever since Higuchi's arrest and death," said L suddenly the day after his last night at headquarters. His voice was calm and contemplative. "Quiet, withdrawn, even more serious than usual."

"Oh?" Raito's mind focused immediately, honing in on Ryuuzaki's words, listening for anything dangerous. He spun around in his chair. "You think I've lost my 'usual fervor' again?"

"No," said L. "You are still very intense, but all of your passion is gone. You are controlled – too controlled."

There was a pause. The silence in the room felt heavy, suddenly, without the presence of the other task members. It was just Raito and L alone, and the air prickled crackled with the tension.

Raito leveled his gaze at L. "I don't know what you mean," he said coldly.

"No, I suppose not," said L mildly. He tucked his hands into his pockets. "But I keep wondering what could have caused it. Perhaps Raito is deep in thought about my offer still."

**No, that's not it; think harder, Ryuuzaki.**

"Or perhaps Raito found Higuchi's death a disappointment."

**Getting closer.**

"Or perhaps Raito-kun is no longer Raito-kun. Perhaps he has become Kira."

**Bullseye.**

Raito's smile was an indulgent smile, but it felt all wrong, like it was warping his face somehow. "Don't be ridiculous, Ryuuzaki."

"Ridiculous?" L raised his head. "Perhaps you'd like to prove me wrong?"

Raito rose from his chair liesurely, his eyes locked on L where he stood. "What can I do to prove it to you?" he said lowly. "I've done so much already… you don't seem to accept any of it." He moved toward L, predatory in his heavy steps.

"Remaining suspicious of you," said L, standing his ground, "is always better for me."

"I see," said Raito, getting close to L. "I suppose I should have no idea what you mean."

"Yes-mph."

Raito seized L and forced their mouths together, and the kiss wasn't slow or gentle; it wasn't even reassuring. All it was, was a scorching, painful intensity, hard and fast and strong. Raito pressed L against the desk; he was bruising L's lips and his hands were under his shirt, leaving long, angry red marks of "Kira was here" – no, "Raito was here" – all down L's back. A desperate keening sound spilled out of L. Raito moved on from his mouth down his neck, biting harshly and leaving little rows of teeth marks in his skin. He latched onto his pulse and sucked hard.

Then he stopped. Slowly, he pulled back and looked at L, who was panting and had his head tilted back.

"Proven?" he asked huskily.

L didn't say anything; he just lifted his head and gazed at Raito with an unmasked want and emptiness that made Raito nervous.

They both knew this proved nothing.

"I should go," Raito eventually breathed against L's neck. "My family will be wondering where I am – it's been a while since I was home, after all."

L's fingers tightened on Raito's belt. "Yes," he agreed. "You probably should."

Raito put his hands on the desk on either side of L and stepped back, staring hard at L. L stared back for a moment, and then gave a soft exhalation at Raito's unyielding expression. Several hairs fell across his eyes."Tell me what you decide?"

Raito's only answer was a tight smile. "Goodbye, Ryuuzaki."

He pushed himself away, but L was still attached to his belt. He gave L an expectant look. L leaned forward and briefly pecked him on the lips.

"Bye."

So Raito walked away, leaving behind him a very confused, very worried L, who was still leaning against the desk breathing in deep, controlled breaths.

* * *

*beep*

"Oh, it's MisaMisa!" Matsuda cried cheerfully. "Poor girl, since Raito can't turn on his cell phone in here, she has to come here to talk to him."

Raito looked up at Misa's form on the monitor.

 _Why is she back?_ **Damn it**. **That means she's retrieved the notebook, but Ryuuzaki is still alive.** _Is there a chance for me to save him?_ **No, he's not worth the risk.** _But why not? Why can't he be worth the risk?_

He glanced at Rem; she was gaping at the screen, shock written across her face. **Hmmmm…**

**Even if Misa can't' remember his name, she'll do the eye deal with Ryuk for me.**

For an instant, the mad craving to know who L was swept over him. _What is his real name?_ He shook the thought off with annoyance. **I won't ever need to know.** _ **He'll die without me ever finding out.**_ _ **I planned too well.**_

His father was speaking. "Raito, hurry down there. You don't keep a woman waiting."

Raito found his voice. "Yeah…" he said faintly. He headed into the elevator, and the doors slid shut with a flat ding.

 _Damn it…_ he thought, curling his hands up in his jacket pockets. They'd felt cold ever since that day in the helicopter, when he'd written Higuchi's name in the note and reclaimed a legacy he didn't think he wanted. It was as if the notebook, in tying its power to him, had leeched the life from his hands. _I never meant to get Misa back into this, to tell her…or I did._ **She's come in handy.** _But I don't want_ **– No!** Frustrated, he only managed not to bang his head on the button panel by remembering that he was probably still being monitored via security camera.

_Ryuuzaki would know what to do if he were in my position._

It was such a startling thought that for several moments he forgot to push the button. Then he jammed it angrily with one stiff finger and shoved his hand back in his pocket. _What would Ryuuzaki do if he knew?_

**Ryuuzaki could never live up to the responsibility of this power. He's unworthy; he has too many morals, and morals are for men, not gods.**

The doors opened, and he stepped out into the cool lobby. The sight of Misa, returned through those transparent lobby doors to see him brought him back to reality.

"Raito!"

"Misa." Raito walked out to greet her, opening his arms to her. She threw herself enthusiastically into them. Somehow, the shape of her was comforting to him, familiar, and for once he hugged her back, but then she brushed something across the back of his hand – a slip of paper.

Raito blinked – and then he could see him there, the shinigami, hovering behind Misa and looming over her tiny frame. He let go of her at once, suddenly uneasy. He gave Ryuk a hard stare, and then he smirked. "Long time no see, Ryuk."

Ryuk gave a raspy chortle. Memories surged in Raito's mind, days and days spend planning the future of humanity. Raito thought he might choke on them, but then all his thoughts settled back into place.

**Another pawn returns to its master.** _Why are there so many monsters?_

"Sorry about the wait," he said, "but it looks like you're going to get to see the grand finale."

"Oh yeah?"

"R-Raito…" Misa began nervously. Her voice faltered slightly on his name. "I'm sorry…"

"Huh?" Raito paused and looked back at her, and her eyes flickered down away from him, reminiscent of a kicked puppy. She was so simple, so eager to please; it was comforting in a strange kind of way. "What's wrong, Misa?"

She bit her lip. "I don't remember Hideki Ryuga's name…" She shook her head, making her pigtails sway back and forth. "I just couldn't…I'm sorry."

"Oh." He kept his face neutral, carefully concealing the war inside his mind. "That's too bad."

"But! I did the eye deal with Ryuk!" she interjected, before he could get angry at her, though he hadn't been going to. "I can look at him again to see his name!"

 _NO!_ **YES.** She looked so disarmingly innocent. Even when he'd doubted himself, during his period of amnesia, he'd never thought that she could be what she was: a mass murderer, willing to do anything. **She is a soldier for the cause, a perfect servant.** _But she could have been my friend._

He reached out and put a hand on her arm. "You dummy," he said, almost affectionately. "Your remaining lifespan has been-"

"No, I don't care! I want to help you!"

_No, we could never have been friends._ _**If it weren't for her powers as the second Kira, I would have just gotten rid of her.** _ **Even if I'd never had the notebook, she's just a tool.**

"Misa, right now, rather than having you make the eye trade and using that, I want to live with you for as long as possible in an ideal world. That's how I feel." The lies were bitter on his tongue.

"Raito… I'm so happy!" She clutched at his hand, smiling. Then her smile faltered. "But I'm not doing my part to create the ideal world…it would have been easy if I had just remembered the name, right? I'm really sorry…"

"It's fine, Misa…" _Please, please don't remember._

"Really?"

 **It's too late for that.** "I prepared everything before going into confinement. And then for that week before losing my memory, I spent every second thinking up every possible scenario and how to deal with it… And this current one isn't too bad." The words, wrenched from him by the workings of his analytic mind, seemed to fall from his mouth like stones, hard, heavy, and unyielding. He tried to swallow them down, but they kept coming. "Kira will soon be completely revived. Misa, let's create a new world without criminals, where only kind people exist." _Why can't I stop? I don't want to be saying this!_

"Yes!" Misa agreed readily, eyes shining.

"I'm not able to pass judgment on the criminals right now. Misa, I need you to do it." **Perfect – put her in harm's way, and Rem will be forced to take action.**

"Sure."

 _There must be some other way,_ he thought, but he couldn't make himself stop talking. "You should be able to find information about the criminals easily, but…don't write the names on the death note pages while in your house. Look out for surveillance cameras and only do it when you can be sure you're not being watched."

"Okay, I understand." She nodded, completely trusting and assured.

"If you do that, I will definitely be able to operate as Kira once again," he said. "Let's build a new world together!"

"Raito…"

As she threw herself on him again, he glanced toward where he knew the security cameras were watching him and wished that L had a way of hearing everything, and not just seeing it.


	9. Into Darkness

It was raining, loudly. Standing under the overhang as he looked out at the lone figure, it was the only thing Raito could hear. A warm, wet breeze picked up and blew across the roof toward him.

_**Why is he out here?** _

Inexplicably angry, he frowned to himself.

**It shouldn't matter why. His reasons are insignificant to me.**

He narrowed his eyes at the figure, but L was just standing there. Raito felt a pull. A part of him wanted to go out there and ask what was wrong, or maybe what he was thinking. After all, wouldn't it be beneficial to know L's thoughts on the case? But the other part knew that what L was thinking right now had very little to do with the case, so it shouldn't matter.

**I don't care about him. I'm going back inside.**

He continued to stand there, staring, for a long moment. Before he could force his limbs to move to carry him away, L seemed to sense him standing there. He glanced over. Even with how far apart they were standing, Raito could see his large, dark eyes peering out from under the dripping strands of his hair.

He gritted his teeth. "What are you doing there, Ryuuzaki?" he called.

L only tilted his head at him and turned away.

With an internal sigh, Raito lowered his hand and ventured out into the rain. As he approached, L stuck his hands in his pockets and looked off into the smudgy sky.

Raito studied him. There was a fragility in the way L's shoulders were hunched around his ears, a vulnerability in the way he was slouched over, uncaring. His hair was soaked and wilted, drooped and plastered around his face, and from where Raito was standing he could only see the tip of L's nose poking through. His eyes wandered down, until he became distracted by the spot in L's throat where the quick swell and ebb of the flesh over his veins betrayed his pulse.

He had the strange sense that he was observing L physically break down.

"What are you doing, Ryuuzaki?" he repeated.

"Well…" said L. "I'm not doing anything in particular, but…" He paused and raised his head to look out across the city. "The sound of the bells…"

Watching him like this, Raito felt like there was something achingly familiar about L, something that he couldn't touch anymore. Words rose to the top of his mind but they were choked off in his throat. He wanted to say, _L, don't worry, we're going to solve everything_ , but he knew it was a lie, so even though he was struggling he said nothing. Then L turned to look at him, and all his thoughts died inside him.

He felt strange; as water bled gently through the fabric of his shirt, he felt trapped in a world of almosts: he was almost Raito, he was almost Kira, L almost knew. Things here were different. He felt – almost knew – that there was something coming toward them both, rapidly approaching, ready to obliterate everything they'd had and fought for and felt. _Will I ever be able to talk honestly with him again?_

He almost wanted to ask out loud – but he didn't.

"I don't hear anything," he managed to mumble, and it was true. The only thing he could hear was the heavy patter of the hateful rain.

"Really?" said L, looking at him almost as if he pitied him. "They've been ringing all day and…" He looked away. "I can't help but feel curious. Do you suppose it's a church? A wedding? Or, perhaps…"

Bells. L was talking about bells, and Raito wondered if he was thinking more about wedding bells or funeral bells or if his mind was just wandering. Or if it was even about the bells at all, because L's thoughts seemed to be elsewhere. Funeral bells – L had been about to voice it, but he'd stopped. Raito knew what he was thinking, and he didn't want L's mind going down that path.

"What are you talking about, Ryuuzaki? Don't say such silly things. Let's go back."

Neither one of them moved.

"I'm sorry," said L morosely. "Everything I say is complete nonsense so…please, don't believe any of it."

Raito almost smirked to himself. **Of course – Ryuuzaki, the weakling, whose mind is on the bells.**

"That's right, Ryuuzaki," said Raito calmly, as if he were indulging a small child. "Most of what you say is nonsense. There would be no end if I took you seriously all the time. I know that better than anyone." He watched L wilt, partly to his satisfaction.

"Yes, that's right…Raito." L's voice seemed to catch slightly on Raito's name – so slightly that Raito wasn't even sure he'd heard, but before he could analyze it, L continued. "But…it's true for both of us."

"What do you mean?"

"Have you ever told the truth at any point since you were born?"

For a moment, Raito couldn't seem to hear anything. It was as if the world had stopped, and the sound of the rain was just gone, leaving in its wake a deadly silence. L's eyes were locked on him, dissecting him, and Raito knew that L wasn't the one breaking down; L was breaking him down.

His thoughts erupted. **I want to hurt him. I want to make him bleed, feeling his flesh bruise, pummel him into nonexistence.** Because he knew now, from personal experience, that love and hate were surprisingly similar, just the way that kisses and punches, sex and pain, were, and if he couldn't have L one way, then he wanted him the other way **. I want to hurt him. I want to take him as my property and kill him.**

He took a deep breath and reached into the dark part of himself for the answers – not answers that he wanted to give, but answers that he would. It was his control.

"What are you talking about, Ryuuzaki?" he said. "It's true; I lie once in a while. But…how many people live their entire lives only telling the truth? Humans aren't made perfectly." **Humans are scum.** "Everyone lies." **Everyone kills or gets killed.** "Even so…I've been careful not to tell lies that hurt others." He paused to revel in the irony of that statement. "That's my answer."

L seemed to wince to himself. "Yes, I thought you'd say something like that."

Well. It seemed that though L could always do the unexpected by Ratio, Raito could never return the favor. It shouldn't have surprised him, but it did, that L knew him so well.

_I don't want to hurt him. He's mine but I won't abuse him._ **He's dangerous – maybe too much of a risk,** _**but at this point, he's not going to do anything to me. He's too emotionally compromised.** _ _But…does he know?_ _**I just have to play the game a little bit longer, and then** _ **I will control everything.**

With a small smile, Raito reached out and gently pulled a bit of wet hair off L's cheek. "Let's go back," he said finally. "We're drenched."

"Yeah…" said L, closing his eyes briefly against Raito's touch.

If his face was wet, it was only the rain.

* * *

"Well, that was awful."

"It's your fault. You were standing in that rain."

"You're right. I'm sorry."

In reality, there were many sounds: the shuffle of L's feet, the water dripping off their clothing, the sounds their chilled puffs of breaths left on the air, but to Raito's ear the loudest thing in the stairwell was the silence.

_It's too late. There's nothing I can do._

Raito bowed his head. He shut his eyes and tried to hide the expression on his face from L by scrubbing at his soaked hair with a towel.

**Corrupt. The world is rotting. One boy doesn't matter, except that he's in the way.**

L's cold fingers were wrapping themselves around his foot; with a jerk, Raito opened his eyes and the towel came away from his head. L was kneeling on the steps at Raito's feet and drying them off.

 **As he should be.** _He looks perfect._

"What are you doing, Ryuuzaki?" Raito blurted out, because he didn't know what to say, and it was the first thing in his head that made sense.

"I thought I'd help you." L's voice was muted, colored with a touch of sadness. His fingers tightened around Raito's ankle for a moment. "Since you're vigorously wiping yourself off."

"You don't have to do that."

Tentatively, L looked up at Raito through his hair. A bittersweet half-smile twisted up one side of his mouth as his hands wandered slowly up Raito's leg under his pants. "I can give you a massage as well," he said lowly. "It's the least I can do to atone. I'm pretty good."

Raito stared at L. He wanted, so desperately, to smile and say yes, to accept the offer to have those artistically slender hands on his skin. _**To keep close to him will only hurt us both in the end.**_ **He's in the way. He goes against god. He must be punished.**

Raito, keeping his face carefully controlled, leaned his head back with a casual sigh. "Do as you please," he said, in a voice that was passably dismissive.

L looked down, lowering his hands. He didn't say anything.

Something in Raito grew cold and hard; he cast all regret away. **I will be god. I make the rules. And Ryuuzaki, those who go against god are annihilated. I am god.** _I am Raito. I don't have to be like this._ **I will rule.** _I could tell him._

There was a war going on inside Raito's head, which ached with the strain of his mind tearing at itself.

 _I'll tell him._ **I'll kill him**. _There must be a solution._

L's hair was dripping on Raito's feet. Raito took his towel and wiped it gently across L's forehead. "You're still wet," he said, and his voice was flat because of all the effort he was putting in to keep his thoughts inside of his brain. It hurt – he did it perfectly.

 **Kill him.** _Save him._ **Hurt him.** _Trust him._

"How sad," said L, so quietly that Ratio could hardly hear him. His thoughts scattered like startled birds.

"What?" he asked.

L looked up at him sorrowfully. "We'll soon part."

 _ **What does that mean?**_ Raito was going to destroy L; he was going to kill him and replace him because he was no more than a pawn. _He means too much..._ **Does he know?** _**What's he talking about?**_ Raito opened his mouth to ask, but…

"I'm Kira."

Raito never meant to say that. He completely meant to say that. He didn't know. It didn't matter.

 **No. nononononono…** _too late_.

L's eyes widened for a moment, and then he nodded his head to himself, hiding his face. "Is that so?" he murmured. There was something smug in his voice, but also something painful. "Tell me."

"Higuchi told the truth about the notebook," said Raito, eerily calm. "When I picked up the notebook, I regained my memories; I've been able to retain them because I killed Higuchi, the previous owner of the note. I was able to forget them before by forfeiting ownership."

Drip. Drip. Drip.

L looked up at Raito, something cold in his eyes, a kind of deadly silence permeating him. Raito knew he should feel afraid, but he couldn't – couldn't feel anything. L spoke. "You were under surveillance for more than fifty days, yet according to the death note, after thirteen days-"

"That rule is fake," Raito said immediately. A light bulb went on in L's head; Raito could see the way it lit up his eyes with a cruel appreciation – admiration – for what Raito'd done, outsmarted him. It pained Raito.

"I see…" said L slowly.

Raito knew that he did, understood that he always did. Things in him began to unlock.

"Ryuuzaki, it's powerful," he confessed. He lowered his eyes. "It's inside my head…fighting with me…it's hard to resist…" His controlled tone was beginning to break down, the pressure inside his mind mounting as L continued to watch him with that unfeeling expression. _**Just a pawn.**_ He pressed his hands over his face, trying to keep everything in, wanting L not to look at him like that, but nothing helped.

"I couldn't stop it. It – he – is so overwhelming, and I can't help it. It's so tempting, the control, the power…everything." His voice barely shook. "Everything."

_I was bored._

L was there, then, pulling Raito's hands away from his face, looking into his eyes as though he'd really been listening. "I know," he said.

Raito took a deep breath. _What can he change?_ "What do I do?" he said hollowly. **Foolish.** _I'll die._

He wasn't really expecting an answer, but L clutched his wrists determinedly and said, "We stop it."

_Maybe he's as desperate as I am._

So Raito took his face in his hands and kissed him, long and hard, until they were interrupted by L's phone, and they had to go back.

But the hardness didn't completely leave L's eyes.

* * *

They headed back to the main room.

As they walked, L didn't say anything – didn't touch him, except for a brush of the fingers, didn't even look at him. Raito couldn't find it in himself to feel bad about this. Not when he was busy mentally screaming at himself.

**That was a mistake, but you still won't get away. It's too late, Ryuuzaki. All the pieces are in place.**

They both stared icily at the back of the elevator doors.

_How did we – did I – get to this point?_

All that was left was for Rem to make her move. **I just need to alert her before Ryuuzaki tells anyone else.**

The doors slid open.

"Ryuuzaki-san, is it true?!" Matsuda cried as soon as they were out. "Kira's back?!"

Mr. Yagami held him back with a hand on his shoulder. "More dead criminals," he said seriously to L.

"Show me," said L.

"Sixteen people during last night alone," Aizawa called from the computer. "People who were announced after the death of Higuchi."

Everybody looked at L and Raito, waiting to see what they would do.

 **Perfect.** Raito was unable to keep the side of his mouth from twisting back in a sneer. L already knew he was Kira, and Raito knew he'd probably already extrapolated everything else.

"Interesting," L said. He ran his thumb over his lip. "From the instant that Amane became free…" His voice was heavy, laden with meaning.

Rem looked shocked, and then comprehension dawned on her face. Raito watched her with a great deal of satisfaction, and the smirk on his face unfurled wider.

**You know what that means, Rem. Do it now.**

He turned his gaze smugly from Rem to L, and saw that L's eyes were locked on him. The sneer on his face turned into a small smile.

 **As for you, Ryuuzaki…** he thought with all the fondness of a predator considering its prey, **you're eating out of the palm of my hand. You believe there's solution because I don't want to be Kira, so you'll try to stop me by helping me.**

But L was still staring at him, calculating, with that darkness in his eyes, not smiling back. Raito glanced at Rem, who was subtly beginning to back out. There was a small clicking sound.

"Ryuuzaki!"

Raito's eyes snapped back to L, startled, and he stared at his cold expression – before his gaze dropped to the gun in L's hand.

It was pointed at Raito.

"Ryuuzaki, have you gone crazy?!" Matsuda cried, hands to his head.

"Please stay back everyone," L said calmly. "Rem-san, stay in the room where I can watch you, please."

Raito's hands have gone clammy. "Ryuuzaki," he gasped. "Ryuuzaki, what are you doing?"

**That he would go so far…**

"What's gotten into you, Ryuuzaki?!" Mr. Yagami said angrily. "Put the gun away!"

"Yagami-san…" says L quietly. "I'm sorry, but your son has just confessed to me that he is Kira."

The silence was overwhelming.

"What…" gasped Matsuda faintly.

"No," says Raito. He glanced at the task force, all standing there with blank, shocked faces, frozen in place. **They don't know what to believe…it was a mistake to tell Ryuuzaki, but if Rem can get away now, it won't be too late. If she makes him go crazy before killing him, then I can say that he was speaking out of anger that his suspicions of me were incorrect all this time, and they'll believe that I'm innocent.** "You've gone too far, Ryuuzaki. It's already been proven that I'm innocent. This is crazy."

L bowed his head, but the gun stayed where it was. "Maybe I am crazy," he admitted bitterly.

Aizawa protested faintly, "Ryuuzaki," but his voice was uncertain.

"That's enough," said L. He looked at Raito and raised the gun, straightening his arm to hold it properly. Then he spoke softly, only to Raito. "A killer may never be anything but a killer…" he said. "Will you relinquish ownership of the note again?"

Raito knew that L wouldn't shoot him – not just because the law said he had to undergo a trial, but also because L, more than anyone else, wanted Raito to surrender. **You're not prepared to kill me, Ryuuzaki.** He gave L a steady gaze. "I don't know what you're talking about," he said flatly.

For a moment, L's only reaction was to tilt his head as if he were puzzled, still considering. "Then I'm…too late…" he said haltingly. "I am sorry, Raito."

 **Go ahead and arrest me, Ryuuzaki. You'll be the only one willing to incriminate me, and this time I have the means to kill you before that happens.** He blinked. There was pain in L's eyes, almost imperceptible beneath the layers of stoicism. "Ryuuzaki," he said. He reached out automatically, trying just to touch him, maybe to pull his hands gently away from the weapon and promise him this was fixable.

The sound was louder than thunder.

L's aim was less perfect than usual, but he was too close to miss. The bullet tore through Raito's torso, squelching flesh, shattering bone with a sickening crackle, and Raito staggered back. His entire world became pain. His head was swimming, his vision was blurry, and through the rushing in his ears he could only discover one thought.

_**He shot me.** _

He tried to suck in a breath, but his body felt like it was being swallowed up in fire, and he was sinking in it. Blearily, he ground his teeth together and fought his way through the haze, locking his eyes on L's face. **I hate you, Ryuuzaki.** **I hate you for doing this to me.**

"I relinquish…my ownership of the…note," he forced out.

L's eyes widened. His lips parted slackly and the gun clattered to the floor. For a moment Raito grinned at his triumph, a hellish travesty of a smile, but then he-

* * *

-THUD-THUD-THUD-

His body was weak, and it hurt all over. He reached out automatically for L's hands, desperate to steady himself, but instead he crumpled to the floor.

_What's going on? I don't understand. Why did he try to kill me?_

He lay, without the strength to move, staring up at the ceiling. The only sound was his heart beating powerfully in his ears.

_Why is he doing this?_

There was a shuffling sound and Ryuuzaki appeared in his field of vision. The expression on his face distracted Raito for a moment from the warmth that was pooling underneath him. For the first time since he'd met him, it was truly open; shocked and utterly horrified. He knelt next to Raito, looking into his face, and Raito felt him tangle their fingers together at his side.

"Raito…" L said in naked disbelief.

-THUD-THUD-THUD-thud…

 _Why?_ Speaking was hard. "Ryuuzaki," Raito choked out, and felt the warm wetness seeping up his throat. _I don't understand…_ "What's going on? What is it I've done?"

"You told me…" L began. His eyes flickered downward miserably, and Raito knew he could hear his heart again. "You were Kira."

thud. thud. thuthudip. thud.

His pulse faltered and another wave of pain washed over Raito, wrecking him. He tried to cough, but couldn't; he took deep breaths that felt wet and hot, like his lungs were flooding. "I don't understand…" _how I let that happen…_ "I was going…" _I promised_ "…to go with you…" _But you wouldn't lie about this._

Raito fingers were squeezed tightly, and L swallowed. "You would not have," he said harshly.

_How can he not have realized?_

…thud…thud…thud…

His heartbeat was slowing down. "But Ryuuzaki…" Raito tried to speak, but his voice gave out and dropped to a whisper. His hand moved, almost of its own accord, disentangling from L's fingers so that Raito could raise it and run his thumb over L's lip, the way L always did. It left a red smear behind. "…didn't you know…that…" he rasped. "…that I…I lo…..."

_I guess one of us managed to save him._

…thud…

His heart stopped beating.


End file.
